1408: John Cusack plays a (what else?) writer staying overnight in a haunted hotel room, in this month’s Stephen King adaptation. Samuel L. Jackson—he’s everywhere!—co-stars. May.
30 Days of Night: Vampires go to Alaska, where the night lasts a month. Damn, it’s been a long time since there was a good vampire movie. I mean, with all the good zombie movies over the last five years, why not a good vamp film? Apparently it’s adapted from a comic book, which ain’t that promising. “Stars Josh Hartnett.” Uh-oh. And it’s directed by a music video veteran…OK, never mind. October.300: Truly bizarre-looking—to me, in an off-putting way—adaptation of the Frank Miller graphic novel about the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae. Still, the advance word on this is fantastic. May
3:10 to Yuma: Remake of an old Glenn Ford western, adapted from a book by Elmore Leonard. Rancher Russell Crowe agrees to hold and transport captured outlaw Christian Bale, while the latter connives to get free. Holed up in a hotel room, getting Bale out and past his gang and onto the titular train is the object. October. Adam’s Apples: I swear this is the write-up: “A middle-aged neo-Nazi is sentenced to community service at a small church, where the vicar assigns him the task of nurturing the church’s lone apple tree, which subsequently gets attacked by crows, maggots and the forces of mother nature.” I don’t want to shock the hell out of you, but it’s a European movie. And a comedy. The reviews at the IMDB are effusive, at least. March.
The Amateurs: “Jeff Bridges plays a man in midlife crisis who recruits his small-town friends and neighbors in a scheme to get rich by making the first truly innocent adult movie.” Huh? Anyway, not sure if this will suck or not? Here’s a clue: “Co-starring Ted Danson.” Oh, and apparently it was made in 2005, but is only now getting released. TBD.
American Gangster: The Harlem ’70s crime lord and the rogue cop aiming to bring him down. Not exactly fresh, is it? Expectations, however, must be raised by the stars, Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. Wow…oh, wait. It’s directed by Ridley Scott. Never mind. Can I be a little heretical here? For one of our most revered actors, Washington sure doesn’t appear in many really good movies. Imagine what he could have done if he were as savvy about controlling his career as, say, Tom Cruise.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theatres: An Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie? Really?! Boy, that Simpsons movie better watch out. (Although there was a time when I would have considered the Simpsons movie to be an absolute lock of being the better of the two…no longer.) Still, this really raises my hopes for that Harvey Birdman movie I’ve been hoping for. March.
The Astronaut Farmer: Private, inspired citizen tells the frickin’ government to get off his frickin’ back so he can do great things. I’m sure some are gritting their teeth at the commercials for this slab of all-American hokum. Count me in, though. While I see few movies in the theaters these days, I’ll definitely catch this when it hits DVD.
Balls of Fury: “A broke former professional pingpong player (Dan Fogler) is recruited by the FBI to infiltrate the world of underground ping-pong tournaments and take down his father’s killer, the villainous pingpong player Feng (Christopher Walken).” Man, this is the kind of movie you so want to be good—Christopher Walken!—and then you look at the title and all the steam goes out of you. Ha, they said ‘balls.’ April.
Because I Said So: In this movie, Diane Keaton…OK, that’s as far as I need to go. February.
Bee Movie: An animated film not only voiced by Jerry Seinfeld (in the lead role), but written by him. This could actually be interesting, if it works, although it probably won’t be worth all the ‘funny’ articles/reviews conflating the movie with various bits from the Seinfeld show. It’s out in November, just in time for Festivus…. Dammit! I’m already doing it myself!
Beowulf: Directed by Robert Zemeckis, and a screenplay by frickin’ Neil Gaiman (along with Roger Avery)?! Dude, I’m so there. Amazing that no one has ever made a good Beowulf movie before. I can’t say I’m excited about Zemeckis using that creepy Polar Express-style animation again, but I’m willing to give this a shot. A fine cast, too. November.
Black Snake Moan: Insane-looking, hilariously offensive sounding film wherein aged blues player Samuel L. Jackson kidnaps slutty Southern white trash sexpot Christina Ricci (supposedly amazingly hot and oft naked) and chains her up while he teaches her life-lessons. The great thing is, this is probably really good, or, more likely, an instant camp classic.Blood & Chocolate: Already came & went, and apparently richly screwed-up the respected YA novel on which it was based. One of two horror films already this year that in the commercials boasted, “From the makers of Underworld.” Did they actually think that would help sell a film, or has Congress passed some stringent, movie-related warning sign legislation? Out.
Bratz: The self-absorbed, Paris Hilton-esque whore toy line your young daughters love and aspire to emulate finally comes to the silver screen. In live action. What an age of wonders we live in. Apparently now the ‘characters’ are going to be full of socially correct, You Go, Girrrrl! goodness: “The popular line of fashion-conscious dolls spawns this live-action film about four girls from different economic strata who reject their respective high school cliques and band together.” August.
The Brave One: Jodie Foster goes all vigilante following a terrible crime. I’m assuming this will be all didactic and such, but who knows, maybe they’ll pull it off. September.
Bridge to Terabithia: Fantasy film already steam-rollered by Ghost Rider. Out.
The Comebacks: A spoof of those inspirational sports films that we still get like clockwork every year. The thing is, though, that most of them are pretty good, save for ones starring The Rock or Keanu Reeves. Even so, one can definitely see the possibilities, if they pull it off right…oh, hell, it’s just going to be Dodgeball II, isn’t it? March.
The Condemned: In perhaps the most derivative concept of the year, wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is forced into a deadly Internet webcast during which he and nine other killers will battle to the death. I should point out that Running Man took place on a TV show, and this is on the Internet, so it’s completely different.
