Super important movie news…

Updated on February 8, 2010 By Ken Begg 14 Comments

Taylor Lautner, who I think is the guy who plays the werewolf in the Twilight movies, has been signed to play Stretch Armstrong in an upcoming summer blockbuster. There’s bad news with the good, though, since the film won’t come out for two more years. Rest assured, though, there are strong reasons for this: “Stretch Armstrong is moving to 2012 to allot time to shape the project into a 3-D superhero adventure and to accommodate Lautner’s existing commitments.” Wow, that sounds awesome!

Still, it’s hard to have to wait until 2012. I know. I’m all on pins and needles, too! Even worse, the previously announced film based on the board game Battleship, previously announced for 2011, has also been moved to 2012.

“Universal has put all the elements in place to successfully launch two of our classic Hasbro brands on the big screen,” said Brian Goldner, President and CEO of Hasbro, Inc. “The addition of Taylor Lautner and the 3-D twist to Stretch Armstrong, in addition to giving Pete Berg and the filmmakers the extra time and resources to make Battleship an even bigger summer blockbuster, is sure to pay dividends when the film is released in 2012.”

Truly, we live in a golden age of cinema.

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  • Ericb

    They should make a horror movie about carnivorous Cabbage Patch Kids. Those things are creepy.

  • fish eye no miko

    @Ericb: Robot Chicken‘s already done that…

  • BeckoningChasm

    Well, damn it, I really thought “Mr. Potato Head: The Motion Picture” was in the pipe, and at long last those old warhorses “Gone With The Wind,” “Casablanca” and “Citizen Kane” were about to be kicked in their “Best Movie Ever” crotches. My dreams–destined for death!

  • Foywonder

    I’m assuming you haven’t heard about the plot to Battleship. You know, the plot about five ships in the United States Navy battling a fleet of water bug aliens called Regents that have come to our planet to build a mysterious structure that could bring about our doom? The Regents will do something that renders the Navy’s high tech equipment and weaponry inoperable thus forcing them to fall back on old school naval warfare, track and destroy the alien fleet just like in the game. This has the makings of either a great bad movie or just a really bad movie.

    Stretch Armstrong, on the other hand, just has the makings of a really bad movie.

  • Reed

    But… It will be in 3-D! If Stretch Armstrong doesn’t say “shoving things at the audience” I don’t know what does.

    Bonus geek cred to anyone who can name Armstrong’s stretchy nemesis without looking it up. For the record: I can not.

  • OTL

    Wow, both Stretch Armstrong and Battleship in 2012? Guess those Mayans knew what they were talking about after all… :)

  • hk6909

    “Bonus geek cred to anyone who can name Armstrong’s stretchy nemesis without looking it up. For the record: I can not.”

    Isn’t it Vac Man?

  • Mr. Rational

    These movies make me want to say to their writers what some disgruntled Netter once said to the Internet sensation Maddox: “You could be doing so much good in this world. You could start by playing in traffic.”

  • cavalier

    First I thought this was satire.

    I looked it up and hoped it was a hoax.

    Now I’m just wondering what the Sam Hill these people are thinking!

    Is there a competition to make the dumbest movie of the decade? Are they preparing movies for Mystery Science Theater 4000? Considering the mounds of fiction out there, this is the best they can come up with?

    Should I be more upset with Hollywood for making this crap or movie-goers for watching it?

  • Reed

    Well, you can’t really be outraged at the movie going public, yet. They haven’t actually gone to see the films, after all. You could certainly expend some vitriol on the focus groups that are the surrogates for the viewing public at the studios.

    In my down time at work I like to sit back and think to myself: “Somewhere in Hollywood someone making a truckload of money green-lit Battleship The Movie.” It gives you perspective.

  • roger h

    I know what we all really waiting for, the day they cancel the project and the producer cries out “you sunk my battleship”

  • Matt B

    Meh. It won’t hold a candle to Ridley Scott’s Monopoly movie.

    I really wish that I was making that up.

  • It won’t hold a candle to Ridley Scott’s Monopoly movie.

    “Wait, was that the hat or the race car that just passed Go? The camera was shaking so much I couldn’t tell!”

  • Reed

    Actually, Ridley Scott’s Monopoly could be awesome! Just imagine the scene –

    A race car spins slowly down through the labrynth of a dark, rainy city and lands on a glowing Community Chest. A thimble floats through the rainy sky. A giant billboard in the background shows a beautiful woman intoning, “Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200,” at the passing crowd.

    They are known as Monopolizers, an elite unit of the police tasked with hunting down and “restocking” Chinese knock-off shoes…