The latest issue of People, which as usual refuses to pander to the base tastes of the masses, features a bunch of famous hot chicks in binkinis and the headline, “HOLLYWOOD’S HOTTEST BODIES 100 TIPS FROMTHE STARS.” I’m too lazy to actually read one of People’s standard expansive and meticulously written articles, so I’ll wager my guess as to the helpful tips these stars offer:
1) Be, in nonperjorative terms, a literal genetic freak, gifted with physical charms at the very, very far end of the Bell Curve.
2) Be young.
3) Have a job that allows for the time, and as an actual condition of employment, for you to work out for two to three hours a day, if not more.
4) Have said job be so entirely renumerative that you can afford (or actually somebody else provide, on top of paying you millions of dollars) a highly paid, professional staff whose very job is to help you still in peak physical shape.
5) Suffer from staggering psychological issues involving self-image and inadequacy, coupled with an ongoing awareness that there are tens of thousands of young women just as beautiful and, er, talented as you in the immediate metropolitan area.
5) Don’t be afraid to let a surgeon’s improve on God’s bounty!
I hope that helps. I also assume the article includes the following quotes from either Beyonce, Jessica Alba or Charleze Therin:
1) “It’s funny, because I don’t really consider myself pretty.”
2) “It’s funny, because back in high school I was all elbows and knees. People considered me to be the school geek!”
3) “People always think I must never eat, but I eat like a horse!”
