My friend Andrew once had one of those lunatic streaks of luck. You know, when you’re “on”, or “hot”, and can do no wrong. Over the space of a couple of months, Andrew and I would occasionally drop by our local Thumbs Up video store. This emporium has a cavernous collection of over 12,000 videos. [...]
Spoiler Warning:
For the purpose of comparing and contrasting, I will be making references to the excellent Clint Eastwood movie Unforgiven throughout this review. This means I will be giving away plot and scene details best discovered by yourself. If you haven’t seen Unforgiven, please, don’t read any further. Go and rent it, and then come [...]
They don’t make bad movies like they used to. Filmmaking now costs too much. Even a Roger Corman can’t grind ‘em out like he used to. Increasing budgets also reduce the likelihood of vanity projects like On Deadly Ground and Star Trek V being greenlighted. They furthermore encourage a take-no-risks, movie-by-committee (i.e., too many cooks) [...]
Let me begin by tipping my hat to Ms. Lianna Skywalker (if that is her real name). Ms. Skywalker wrote me back in July of this year, asking if I was planning to review what was the most universally shellacked movie of the last ten years. That being, of course, our current subject. Much [...]
How did this movie get made?
It’s a question with many different answers, depending on the movie. Jurassic Park 3 was made because someone thought another sequel capitalizing on the (admittedly successful) rampaging-dino franchise would be a good idea. And yes, I’m going to go see it, because I like dinosaurs, and I like Sam Neill [...]
Note: For the benefit of those who haven’t read Liz’s previous JAG Down Under review, the introduction from that piece is repeated below. Others may wish to skip ahead to the current Review.
i. Introduction
Well, a change is as good as a holiday, they say, so I thought I’d spend my summer hiatus with [...]
An occasionally reoccurring device often found in action/adventure films is the old ‘even the odds’ bit. This is where, during the climactic battle between the Good Guy and the Bad Guy, one or the other of them will either forego some advantage or purposely take on some disadvantage for the fight, so sure are they [...]
Say “Hi!” to obscuro director/actor/screenwriter Coleman Francis. Mr. Francis got his big Movie Cultdom break when three of his amazing features appeared on TV’s Mystery Science Theater 3000. Other than being awful films featuring light aircraft, they have few thematic links in common. The putrid Skydivers was a crime/skydiving picture. The startling Red Zone Cuba [...]
This review is the official Sponsor’s Pick (Please imagine a regal trumpet sound right there) for the months of Feb/March 2006, & brought to you through the generosity of our good friend Mr. Henry Brennan, Esq. (In other words, blame him.)
Editorial Note: Usually I am loath to review a film that’s been substantially cut. [...]
Click here to read Part 1 of this review!
We move to the Ancient History lecture that Suzette was attending. The professor mentions Ramses, and gestures to a stylized gold mask on the wall behind him. He has several cheap Wal-Mart level decorations on his wall, plus some incredibly awful and busy wallpaper. Today’s topic (besides [...]
“Did you see who bit you?” he asks. Then we’re treated to a flashback of Rayne running into Amanda, being startled and biting her, then taking Amanda’s swords and running off as Amanda falls to the ground. (Vampires love the circus; they always go for the juggler. Alright, that joke bit.)
Despite the flashback, Amanda [...]
Back to the boat as it pulls up at Brimstone’s Headquarters, which apparently is a secret castle on an island. Katerin appears to have gotten there before them. Inside, she explains that the Rome headquarters of Brimstone have fallen and that the Rib artifact is in Kagan’s hand.
This is shown to be so as Kagan [...]
It was only a matter of time before we got around again to Richard Burton. (The actor, not the explorer.) Burton, after all, was chosen by Harry and Michael Medved as being The Worst Actor of All Time in their seminal The Golden Turkey Awards. Writ brief, their reasoning was as follows: Burton’s ‘instrument,’ as [...]
It’s common knowledge that Madonna has lusted after many, uh, things since becoming a pop star and multi-purpose celebrity icon. And from all reports, few of them have eluded [...]
In a court of law, you don’t have to offer conclusive proof that your client didn’t kill all of Fort Worth, Dallas. You just have to throw it into doubt. If a semi-decent possibility exists that your client might not have killed everyone in Fort Worth, the jury has to say “Not Guilty.” Hence, the [...]
Hmm. As our regular readers know, I usually start these things with a time-wasting dissertation relating to the current subject of examination. However, I already discussed ’50s cheese horror/sci-fi movies in my From Hell it Came review, so…Brain Pictures, I guess.
Brain Pictures have been a surprisingly popular micro-genre over the years. (That’s not even counting [...]
Let us give a merry ‘hello’ again to our dear friend, Mr. K. Gordon Murray. Those who read my review of Santa Claus may remember him. He’s the fellow who brought a berserk collection of Mexican fantasy films north of the border during the ’60s. These flicks included insane children’s pictures, goofy vampire movies and, [...]
Ah, the dear dead 70s, when disco was king. Too bad this movie came out in the dear dead 80s, when disco was not king. In fact, it came out at just the time when disco was being ridiculed in popular culture. Some movies probably couldn’t be a hit at any time but their given [...]
It’s odd. There are personages who, as I whimsically leap from film to film, remain to be covered in the depth they deserve. Then, in a spontaneous fashion and entirely sans intent, I find myself examining their work in an almost systematic fashion. Take noted thespian Joe Don Baker. (Please!! Rimshot) Mr. Baker unjustifiably escaped [...]
As hard as it is to believe now, Elvis Presley, the King of Rock n’ Roll, was so big, er, popular at one time that, in a fourteen year span (1955-1969), Elvis starred in thirty-one largely forgettable films. Starting with a few decent flicks like Jailhouse Rock and Kid Creole, Elvis flicks soon morphed into [...]
Ever since the granddaddy of all “cave people” movies, 1942’s One Million B.C., certain precepts have ruled over the genre. The silliest, of course, is that cave people and dinosaurs existed side by side. But other rules have remained surprisingly durable. For instance, the Romeo and Juliet setup, with a person from one “tribe” falling [...]
Click here to read the first part of this review!
It’s back to the art gallery, with Gregorovich and April’s Mom admiring Sorg’s red bull at Guernica painting on the tiny stage. Sorg stalks ominously up to the stand, and suddenly unveils his new masterwork. Gregorovich minces over and does a little gay dance in front [...]
NOTE: After finishing this article, I managed to find this picture on the Internet Movie Database, under the title Hell Squad. This confirmed one theory I had about the film (see below). However, I also learned that the movie, which seemed very much like it was made in the 1970’s, in fact came out in [...]
Continued from page 1….
The following day Temujin and Bortai return to camp and survey the damage. This frankly doesn’t look all that bad, but anyway. I mean, yeah, in real life possessions would have been very hard to replace back then, so even minor damage hurt a lot. However, since the place looks like a [...]
(Link to Andrew’s review at the end of this article.)
Plan 9 From Outer Space is widely recognized as holding the title of Worst Movie of All Time. There really isn’t such a thing, of course. No more than Citizen Kane is the ‘best’ movie ever. People love ranking things, however. Under the imperatives created [...]
First of all, let me admit that I’m just a little bit uneasy mocking this film. This isn’t, like many of our subjects, a no-budget botch job perpetrated by hacks. It’s not another limping reiteration of some genre that’s been flogged to death. Nor is it an elephantine ego project gone awry. It is, in [...]
Go back to Part 1 of this review!
And so, finally, we get to the moment of the film where you will either fall in love with it, or begin to hate it with a burning passion, or both. For you see, the entire half hour of stuff covered above was merely filler material added to [...]
There are certain genre films that are so influential that they become templates for a thousand rip-offs. They introduce the plot devices and design elements that subsequent films turn into formulas. After awhile, we tend to forget there was ever a time when these ideas and concepts were original. This results in a sad, ironic [...]
I picked this movie up for two reasons: the title and the name Richard Grieco. Grieco’s brief and decidedly non-illustrious career has [...]
Savvy Jabootuists are aware that I generally waste everyone’s time with a lame introductory section to my articles. These are on whatever the current subject inspires me to write about. It might be the work of a certain actor or director, or the history of some sub-genre, or whatever. Doomsday Machine (a.k.a. Escape from Planet [...]
OK, I admit that so far we’ve looked at some pretty bad movies. The Lonely Lady. The Giant Claw. Santa Claus. Still, this is where we really start to look at the fringe stuff. If there’s any kind of movie you can’t even really classify as, well, “movies,” it’s the Porno Film. After all, they [...]
Ok, kiddies, get out your notebooks. It’s time to introduce you to another hallowed name in the Bad Movieâ„¢ Pantheon. Screenwriter/Director Al Adamson is well known to aficionados of ’60s and ’70s schlock. He also made a bizarre reappearance in the news in 1995, when his body was unearthed from beneath the floor of his [...]
I’ll confess right off that I’ve always had a soft spot for romantic fantasy. From my earliest cognizant days I harbored a liking for medieval fairy tales of princes on horses and opulent castles and the whole bit. One of my first real memories was of Diana and Charles’ wedding, and I confess to buying [...]
