Fall 2002 Movie Preview

Entertainment Weekly recently released their Fall Movie Preview issue. Here’s my personal take on the slate:

IF I WAS STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND AND COULD ONLY SEE A SINGLE MOVIE…:

One film to bring them all and in the theaters bind them. No-brainer here, or next year for that matter. Thank you, Mr. Jackson. (December)

IF I WAS STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND AND COULD ONLY SEE A SINGLE REISSUED MOVIE…:

Akira Kurosawa’s brilliant Ikiru gets a 50^th anniversary reissue (November). On a happy note, Chicago’s Music Box theater in October and November will be running all of Kurosawa’s collaborations with Toshiro Mifune, everything from Seven Samurai to Red Beard to High and Low to Throne of Blood to Rashomon and half a dozen others. It doesn’t get any better than that.

OH, YES:

Die Another Day (November): Bond’s back, and the most beautiful woman in America (aka Halle Berry) has him. And she enters the film in an Ursula Andress-homage bikini. Ha cha cha!!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (November): OK, I’m not dying to see this. Yet if it’s as decent as the first one it’s worth the price of a ticket, if only for Robbie Coltrane.

Solaris (November): George Clooney stars in the amazingly hot Steven Soderbergh’s remake of the Soviet sci-fi classic. It’s sort of like Event Horizon without the gore and the sucking.

Half Past Dead (November): Steven Seagal?! Returning to theaters?! I’m there, dude. (I can’t help it, despite the fact that this will surely be as lame as Exit Wounds – or worse.) Written and directed by Don Michael Paul – quick, someone, a surname!! – who previously helmed episodes of Silk Stalkings, Renegade and Pacific Blue. He also provided the script for Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. I’m in heaven!!

Star Trek: Nemesis (December): Engage.

FILMS I MIGHT SEE IF MY FRIENDS GO:

The Santa Clause 2 (November): What can I say, I kind of liked the first one. Sue me. If they don’t screw this up – and that’s a big if – this might be a passable timewaster. If not…can you say Jim Carrey’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas?

Catch Me If You Can (December): Leonardo DiCaprio has some big guns coming out this fall (see Gangs of New York below). Here he plays a real life genius who in the ‘60s spent years impersonating doctors, pilots, anything you can think of. If that sounds sort of familiar, Tony Curtis played a character based on the same guy in The Great Impostor (1960). DiCaprio’s no big draw to me, but the film’s being directed by Steven Spielberg and the cast includes Tom Hanks and Christopher Walken. That’s a lot of firepower. Still, my interest is more academic than fervid.

• Readers Respond:  Another in a continuing parade of boners (collect ’em all!) in this article was exposed by professional nitpicker Carl Fink.  He cogently notes my chronographic antics:  “Notice the dates? You have a time-traveling Tony Curtis playing the ’60’s impersonator before he actually started impersonating. The guy from The Great Imposter is a different, older con man.”

ROLLING THE DICE, or Films that might be great, might suck:

Gangs of New York (December): This year’s prestige flick – maybe. Either that or it’ll go down in history as Scorsese’s Folly. I haven’t heard anyone make the connection, but to me this film sound like a remake of Far and Away with all the talent beefed up a notch: Scorsese replacing Ron Howard, Leonard DiCaprio in for Tom Cruise; Cameron Diaz subbing for Nicole Kidman. (That last ‘improvement’ is debatable, I admit.) Even so, there are ominous clouds on the horizon. First, this film’s been in production long enough that it’s becoming this decade’s Apocalypse Now. Second, DiCaprio has to prove that his success in Titanic hasn’t ruined him for life. (Not to mention convince us as a rough and tumble bare-knuckle brawler named, get this, Amsterdam Vallon.) This is also a sink or swim venture for Diaz, who’ll emerge an actual actress or prove a star out of her depths. Clocking almost three hours, this likely will be judged either a classic or a massive failure.

The Four Feathers (September): Heath Ledger stars in what almost by defination has to be a revisionist telling of British martial glory in 19^th century Sudan. (Not Afghanistan, as I originally had written.  Thanks to reader Kurt Werthmuller for the head’s up!)  If the film can pull it off – which means acknowledging the greatness of the British Empire even as they castigate it – this could be brilliant. On the other hand, it could be Ledger’s version of Demi Moore’s Scarlet Letter. Ledger needs this one, it seems to me. Actors can hang on that brink of stardom for a while, but then they lose their chance. I can’t imagine he’ll get many more starring roles in major films if one doesn’t hit big soon. The most hopeful aspect is that director Shekhar Kapur earlier made the superlative Elizabeth. This is the kind of film I want to love; my fingers are crossed.

Red Dragon (October): A remake of Michael Mann’s Manhunter. That was the film which introduced moviegoers to Hannibal Lector (in the person of Brian Cox.) In the remake, which takes place prior to Silence of the Lambs, Anthony Hopkins takes a third bite at Lector, and obviously has a bigger role in things. The cast is great: Hopkins, Edward Norton as Will Graham (played by CSI’s William Petersen in Manhunter and Scott Glenn in Silence), Ralph Fiennes, Emily Watson, Harvey Keitel and Philip Seymour Hoffman. That’s all well and good. But frankly, I didn’t see Hannibal, because I’m too squeamish for that gory of a film. Hopefully this one will be toned down a bit. A dark cloud is director Brett Ratner, helmer of Rush Hour I-III (the latter due out in 2004) and *bleech * Family Man with Nick Cage. I’ll keep my fingers crossed, but I’m not holding my breath.

• Readers Respond:  Kudos to correspondent Sandy for catching my error in the above piece:  “[Your] boo-boo was listing Scott Glenn as playing Will Graham in Silence of the Lambs. He played Jack Crawford, Clarice Starling and Will Graham’s boss. Dennis Farina played Crawford in Manhunter, and Harvey Keitel plays him in Red Dragon.  Will Graham was in neither Silence of the Lambs nor Hannibal”

8 Mile (November): Eminem in a semi-biopic? Shouldn’t this be this season’s Glitter, but with a lot more swearing? Yet it’s being directed by Curtis Hanson of L.A. Confidential and Wonder Boys fame. But the script is by the guy who wrote the Mod Squad movie!! Oops! My head exploded!!

Phone Booth (November): A script by all time B-Moviemeister Larry Cohen features a man stuck in a phone booth by a caller who threatens to kill him if he leaves. This one-man show has bounced around for years, at times attracting interest from names like Jim Carrey and Will Smith. Not it’s been made, with the rather more modest Colin Farrell in the lead. Larry Cohen’s name is the good news. The bad is the director: Batman & Robin hack Joel Schumacher. Oops! Stupid exploding head!

Chicago (December): This sexy musical has been kicking around for years, drawing the attention of every actress from Madonna (OK, maybe ‘actress’ isn’t the right word) to Jennifer Jason Leigh to Goldie Hawn and so on. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the one who actually signed up. Director Rob Marshall made the TV version of Annie. They’re no doubt hoping this will be this year’s Moulin Rouge. Time will tell.

Punch-Drunk Love (December): Cult icon Paul Thomas Anderson makes a movie in which lead Adam Sandler tries to act. Imagine if it works!

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (December): Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris years ago wrote a weird fantastical ‘autobiography’ in which he claimed to be a CIA assassin back in the ‘60s. This is that somewhat unlikely story. George Clooney makes his directorial debut and stars with Sam Rockwell (as Barris), Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore and Rutgar Hauer (!!). Mike Meyers once considered making this movie and playing Barris.

EXCITED BUT CAUTIOUS:

The Tuxedo (September): Jackie Chan plays a schmo who dons a suave spy’s super-tuxedo and instantly becomes an ass kicking man o’ action. This sounds like classic Chan, and that’s great. But his co-star is Jennifer Love Hewitt?! Unless she’s wearing a super-dress that allows her to act, you’ve got to be worried. And not to be mean, but Debi Mazar’s in it too.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (September): Man, this has to suck. Right? Antonio Bandaras and Lucy Lui in a video game adaptation? Still, a boy can hope. After all, I loved Mortal Kombat.

The Transporter (September): Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever as made by Luc Besson. Well, maybe one of them will be good.

Tuck Everlasting (October): Adaptation of the classic young adult fantasy novel. Dig the cast: Alexis “Gilmore Girls” Bledel, William Hurt, Sissy Spacek and Ben Kingsley. Directed by Jay Russell, who charmed audiences with My Dog Skip.

About Schmidt (December): Sort of a more serious Office Space starring Jack Nicholson. He’s going to die someday, people. See him while you can.

NOT MY BAG:

Moonlight Mile (September): Remember when William Shatner talked about making a movie kinda/sorta based on the then recent drowning death of his wife? Well, writer/director Brad Silbering was the boyfriend of actress Rebecca Schaeffer of the My Sister Sam sitcom, who was murdered by a stalker. This one appears to be taken from that, about a young man who shares his grief for his murdered girlfriend with her parents. Silbering, which isn’t helping, was the director of the roundly assailed City of Angels, a remake of Wings of Desire starring Nick Cage and Meg Ryan. And while Moonlight Mile’s cast is strong, it seems like one from a film made fifteen years ago: Dustin Hoffman, Susan Sarandon, Holly Hunter and Dabney Coleman.

The Banger Sisters (September): Susan Sarandon and Goldie Hawn are sisters who were much in-demand groupies/sex partners for rock stars in the ‘60s. Expect jokes about making plaster casts of Jimi Hendrix’s penis. This film should be huge with the two hundred people who saw Almost Famous and Rock Star. (Sadly Wasted Actor: Geoffrey Rush.)

White Oleander (October): “Oprah is being shown an advance copy of the movie,” boasts (?) director Peter Kosminsky. ‘Nuff said. [The novel the movie’s based on was an Oprah’s Book Club selection.] Chick Flick stuff with Michelle Pfeiffer, Renee Zellweger and Robin Wright Penn.

Bowling for Columbine (October): Liberal gadfly (that’s one word…) Michael Moore turns his bag of semi-documentary shenanigans on America’s “obsession” with guns. Apparently there’s an ambush interview with NRA president Charlton Heston. I wonder if Moore asks about Heston’s association with Martin Luthor King, Jr., such as his participation in the march on Washington. Probably not. The inclusion of Marilyn Manson strikes me as a bit desperate, on both Moore and Manson’s part. Hey, isn’t it funny that Moore’s had two (low-rated) TV shows and made several movies but that no one’s hired conservative humorist P. J. O’Rourke to do the same? Weird.

Auto Focus (October): Biopic about the over-the-top sexual proclivities of Hogan’s Heroes actor Bob Crane, who infamously was found beaten to death in 1978. (The crime remains unsolved.) Greg Kinnear actually is well cast here, but the film’s by Paul Schrader, and he’s just not my bag. This is one of those where if the reviews are uniformly good I might go see it. Maybe. Again, this might be quite good, but still not be my cup of tea.

Waking Up In Reno (October): A romantic comedy with, get this, Billy Bob Thornton, Patrick Swayze (!!!), Natasha Richardson (what the hell?) and Charlize Theron. How many frickin’ movies does Theron have coming out this fall? The reviews are actually pretty good, but for the love of Benji, look at that cast! And why has this movie been sitting around since 2000?

Femme Fatale (November): Rebecca Romijn-Stamos in a “hot” lesbian scene? Am I even going to pretend that doesn’t sound interesting? No. Interesting enough to see a movie made by Brian DePalma, who I’ve never liked? Interesting enough to watch a no doubt half-assed noir flick starring Romijn-Stamos and Antonio Bandares? No thanks. I’ll watch Bound again and wait until I can rent this on DVD.

Maid in Manhattan/The Chambermaid (December): Art house icon Wayne Wang (please, how old are you?) sells out with this tale of Senator Ralph Fiennes falling for hotel maid Jennifer Lopez. Bleech. Natasha Richardson and Bob Hoskins try to class up the joint. The producer is calling it “Pretty Woman meets Working Girl.” I’d rather have ravens peck out my eyeballs.

Analyze That (December): Sequel to Analyze This. Billy Crystal, Robert De Niro and director Harold Ramis are back. I didn’t see the first one, so I probably won’t see this.

Two Weeks Notice (December): Chick Flick alert!! Let me put it this way: Starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant.

Shanghai Knights (December): I didn’t really like Shanghai Noon, so I doubt this follow-up is any better.

The Life of David Gale (December): Hollywood lectures us on the death penalty again. Directed by Alan “Mississippi Burning” Parker; starring Kevin Spacey and Kate Winslet. Pass.

“A Legally Blonde Doc Hollywood”: Sweet Home Alabama (September) stars Reese Witherspoon as a girl who’s left life in the rural deep South behind to refashion herself as a New York Sophisticate. Fate brings her back home to finalize a divorce from her hunky countrified husband, and she ends up having to choose between her hometown, down home hubby and the new man in her life. (Three guesses.)

“River Wild II: In The City” Trapped (September): Kevin Bacon is a psycho who kidnaps the daughter of Charlize Theron. She turns the tables. He turns them back. She turns them again. He…. Meanwhile, and here’s the gimmick, Bacon’s partner Courtney Love is doing the same dance with Theron’s husband.

“Fatal Attraction: The Next Generation:” Swinfan (September): Teen hunk sleeps with chick, she’s a psycho, etc., etc.

“Treasure Island – In Space!!” Treasure Planet (November): Animated space update of Treasure Island. (I’m assuming Treasure Planet is right next door to Gilligan’s Planet.) I guess it’s possible this won’t totally suck, but what are the odds?

FILMS FOR EGGHEADS (Not that there’s anything wrong with that):

Invincible: Art house demigod Werner Herzog’s biopic about a Polish circus strongman who becomes an anti-Nazi activist. Not much chance for a happy ending here, at least until Robin Williams stars in an American remake. Things won’t be the same without Klaus Kinski. Tim Roth co-stars.

The Ring (October): Remake of cult Japanese horror flick. Stars Naomi Watts and Brian Cox.

Below (October): Ghost Ship on a submarine. Directed by David “Pitch Black” Twohy.

Ghost Ship (October): Below on an ocean liner. Either that or a remake of Death Ship. Either way, I wouldn’t eat the peppermints. Directed by Steven “Thir13en Ghosts” Beck. Check out the tagline: “Sea Evil”.  (Huh?!)

Stealing Harvard (September): Tom Green rises from the cinematic grave of Freddy Got Fingered to threaten Mankind once more. Somewhere E.V. is crying.

The Truth About Charlie (October): Jonathan Demme remakes Charade (for the love of Pete, why?!), with Mark Wahlberg in for Cary Grant and Thandie Newton replacing Audrey Hepburn. Need I say more? I’d love to see this work, but how can it?

Swept Away (October): This year’s contender for the Jabootu Stakes, the strongest one in years, actually, is this remake of a famous/infamous Lina Wertmuller Marxist fable. Madonna (YES!!!) stars as the snooty rich bitch – a real stretch – who finds herself shipwrecked with an earthy communist sailor and is taken down a couple of pegs. (It’s being billed as a comedy/romance.) Wertmuller’s film was made in a climate where the sailor could beat around the woman, an aspect I doubt will survive in this version. The film is directed by current Madonna hubby Guy Ritchie – shades of Shanghai Surprise – who seems to specialize in films humiliating his wife. See the short made for BMW where The Driver (a character in a series of BMW-produced shorts made by various top line directors) takes Madonna’s character for such a hairpin drive that she pisses her pants. That’s the punch line. Anyway, this seems like such a monumentally bad idea that even I’m amazed. Then there’s a moronic bit of stunt casting: The sailor is this version is played by Andriano Giannini, the son of Giancarlo Giannini, who played the sailor in the first version. There is literally no target audience for this film, unless you count dedicated Jabootuists. Probably the weirdest/funniest thing I’ve seen in a while is that the IMDB “If you like this…” entry for the Swept Away redo suggests you might also like the 1998 remake of The Parent Trap. (!!!)

Jackass The Movie (October): Need I say more?

Knockaround Guys (October): Heist movie with Barry “Who The Hell Did I Get Another Movie after Battlefield Earth” Pepper, Seth Green, John Malkovich, Dennis Hopper and flavor o’ the month Vin Diesel. Why is it in the “Kill It!” section? The film was made two years ago and has been sitting on the shelf all that time. I’m sure it’s Tarantino-riffic!!

Hansel & Gretel (October): A version of the fairy tale starring Delta Burke, Bobcat Goldthwait and Sinbad. (Maybe this should be in the horror movie section.) By the writer/director of as of yet unreleased Megalodon (!!).

Pinocchio (December): Live action fairy tale starring and directed by Roberto Benigni. Need I go on? It comes out the same day as Gangs of New York and Catch Me If You Can. Good luck, Roberto.

I Spy (November): This year’s Wild Wild West. Remake of the classic TV series, starring Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson. I didn’t really like Wilson’s Shanghai Noon, which I’m sure is what they’re going after here, and that wasn’t desecrating the memory of a show I have great affection for. After Showtime and Pluto Nash, the biggest fiasco in recent memory, Murphy must be praying for a hit. Co-starring Malcolm McDowell, who at this point has a lot more Tank Girls on his rÈsumÈ than Clockwork Oranges, and directed by crap specialist Betty Thomas. I’m not kidding; skip this and rent episodes the TV series that are available on DVD. You’ll thank me.

The Core (November): Sci-Fi disaster pic with the stupidest premise in recent memory. Earth is endangered when its electromagnetic field disappears after – get this – the planet stops rotating. Hey, you morons, that would also get rid of a little thing we call gravity, and we’d all fly into space. (Along with our atmosphere.) Hilary Swank (!) is one of a team of ‘terranauts’ who bore into the Earth to set things aright. Cripes.

• Readers Respond — And How!!:  OOOPS!!  Not only is my science dead wrong, but I was wrong while calling other people morons for being wrong.  So, that’s right, I’m a moron.  (There’s a big news flash.)  Still, something good came from this.  The numerous quick notes on this issue showed me that not only were people reading my stuff — something I’m not always certain of — but doing so mere hours after a late-night Tuesday posting.  It also confirms that I’ve managed to bamboozle at least several people manifestly smarter than I am to visit my site.  Moreover, my correspondents didn’t just seek to correct, they sought to edify.  Thanks for the info, folks, one and all.

• Reader Michael McMaster responded first, perhaps four hours after the piece was posted, as follows:  

  “While I agree that The Core looks like it will suck giant monkey ass, I’m going have to point out that gravity isn’t a function of the planet spinning.  If the planet stopped spinning the gravity wouldn’t shut off, because gravity’s a function of mass.  For example, take a look at, well, the moon.  There it sits, in the sky, manifestly not spinning.  And yet, it has one sixth the gravitational pull of the Earth.  No magnetic field either.

  “I should also point out the dumb physics with the premise of the movie you could have gone with.  The fact the planet stopped rotating wouldn’t make the magnetic field shut off, but only if the liquid iron core solidified, which seems pretty unlikely unless it suddenly became a whole lot less radioactive and a whole lot less dense.  Hey!  There you go, that would get rid of the gravity.  Though to get rid of the core, you’d have to peel the outside of the Earth off in the… aw screw it.  I’m just looking forward to your review of the film when you pick it up in the remainder bin.”  

  [Thanks, Mike, but I think this episode proves I should leave this particular movie in Liz Kingsley’s capable hands! — Ken]

• A short while later reader Kloro left the following missive on our Jabootu message board:

  “[To my claim that Earth’s gravity would cease:]  Er. No. No, it wouldn’t. Not even slightly. Of course, the momentum left when the Earth stops rotating would cause earthquakes/hurricanes, and possibly tear the planet to bits (depending on how fast it stops), but gravity is totally independent of rotation. The EM field probably is dependant on the planets rotation, I’m not sure, so that little nugget of science is correct.

  Jabootu Veteran and B-Fest Attendee Kurt vonRoeschalub agrees with part of this assessment, adding the following:

  “I’d be more worried about why the Earth stopped rotating in the first place. Back-of-the-envelope calculations look like about 6.6×10^31 Joules of energy in the Earth’s rotation. To give that perspective, the moon only has 4.6×10^30 Joules of energy, so it’s be like being hit by the moon 14 times!

  And how they exactly would start that up again is anybodies guess.

  Why doesn’t anybody making films hire a technical consultant?”

  [Uh…because they don’t have to?  Ken]

• Correspondent Henry Brennan adds his two cents:  

  “Sorry to disagree with you but gravity has nothing to do with rotation. It is a fundamental force, like electromagnetism and the two nuclear forces. However, because at the equator rotation produces a slight ‘anti-gravity effect making things slightly lighter by a few grams, if the Earth stopped rotating, objects would weigh exactly the same at all points on the Earth. The major changes would be to ocean tides, temperatures on the two sides of the earth, etc. The force of gravity is related to the dimension of “spacetime”. The pertinent 3 principles are:

  • Spacetime bends, or curves, in response to the presence of things in it.
  • The path something occupies from one spacetime point to another is, if it is not affected by electromagnetic or nuclear forces, always the shortest path between the two points.
  • A straight path in spacetime corresponds to three-dimensional motion at a constant velocity. A curved path in spacetime is three-dimensional motion with acceleration.

  When a body is near a large object, like a planet or a star, spacetime is very curved. There are no straight paths in this region of spacetime, so all three-dimensional motion is accelerated. That acceleration is what we call gravity.

  [Henry signs off by assuring me that he isn’t trying to be a smartass.  And a good thing.  I tried to be one and ended up a jackass! — Ken]   

• Reader Byl Glinka also have something of interest to put in:  

  “I’m sure you’re going to be bombarded by physics geeks over this point, but I figured I may as well add my contribution to the deluge.

  You state in your preview of The Core that if the Earth were to stop spinning, it would no longer have a gravitational pull.  This is incorrect.  The Earth’s gravitational pull is caused by its mass, not its spin.  You can find the equation here:

  http://physics.webplasma.com/e_solver.html

  Second from the bottom.  G is the universal gravitational constant (a very small number), mA and mB are the masses of the two objects attracting each other, and r is the distance the two objects are from each other.  Spin, rotational velocity, or any other type of motion is not involved; ONLY mass and distance.

  The reason a space station can create artificial gravity by spinning is because the people are inside of it.  Standing on the outside of a spinning object would make you fly off.  Fortunately the Earth’s gravitational attraction is stronger than the centripedal force created by its spin.  If the Earth were to stop spinning, gravity would actually be slightly increased.

  In any case, according to the preview I saw of The Core when I saw XXX (all style, no substance, gets slow between stuntwork scenes) the Earth didn’t stop spinning entirely, just the core of the Earth stopping spinning.  Not that this makes it sound like a better movie or anything.”

• Finally, Silent Bob kicked this in:  

  “I looked up The Core after seeing a movie poster at a Theater Near Me a couple of weeks back. The plot summary on the IMDb indicates that it’s the earth’s core, not the whole planet, that has stopped rotating.

  It sounds like someone read a couple of science articles in a popular magazine and attempted to make a screen play out of ’em. Specifically:

  1. The earth consists of a solid crust, a solid mantle, a liquid outer core and a solid inner core.  2. Seismic evidence indicates that the inner core rotates at a different rate than the crust/mantle  3. There is a theory that the differential rotation between the two causes currents in the liquid outer core, which produces the geomagnetic field.

  I’m guessing our screen writer decided that a REALLY COOL idea for a disaster movie would be to stop the rotating core. I dunno whether s/he thinks losing the geomagnetic field* is enough to cause “the end of the WORLD!”, or if tidal waves / earthquakes / storms etc. are s’posed to signal the “end o’ times”.

  *Granted, the geomagnetic field does act to screen a great deal of solar radiation, but considering that the strength and polarity of the of the earth’s magnetic field has fluctuated greatly throughout the history of the earth without it ending, I don’t think this would make a very exciting disaster movie.”

My sincere thanks to all of you guys for jumping in on this.  I’m actually smarter now than I was this morning!