DVDs this week…

And may I recommend The Cook, the Thief, his Wife and Her Lover?

Essay: The Prof, his Wife, the Dork, the Stud & his Squeeze

The Dork was taken to see the movie The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover (hereafter, “The Cook”) in an art theatre over Christmas break in 1994 by a close friend. He then recommended the movie to his Sedimentary Petrology professor – the Prof – who the Dork was a teaching assistant for at the time – and the Prof went and saw it with his wife – the Wife – who was also a professor (in biology) and who stormed out enraged sometime during the film. The Prof refused to leave, as he loved the film, and had to take a cab home. Within six months, the Wife had left him.

The Prof jokingly would thereafter tell the Dork that the Dork (and The Cook) had caused the breakup of the Prof’s marriage, with a self-deprecating chuckle in his voice and cold steel in his eyes. However, the Prof was the inside track to a TA position for a colleague of his at Penn State, where the Dork hoped to get his Ph.D., but this never materialized. Did The Cook ruin the Dork’s shot at going to Penn State?

The Dork had an unusual gift. He was an awesome Dungeon Master. Since high school in the ’80s, guys from far and wide liked to play Dungeons & Dragons with the Dork. Guys on the football team. Guys with girlfriends. On several occasions, the eventual Homecoming King. The Dork would spend days getting ready for games. He knew what his dudes liked. Gaming sessions with the Dork were not the stereotypical boring, quiet wakes spent rooting through books and rolling endless dice, they were unhinged, beer-soaked orgies of play-acted violence, shouting and triumph set to a Metallica and Slayer soundtrack. They were, in fact, much like the garage band the Dork eventually fronted later. This continued into college. Popular dudes would sneak over to the Dork’s lair at 07 Palms at Wright State and miss things like socials or keggers – even sex – to game with the Dork.

Well, the Dork still gamed at the time with a long-time (and really handsome) high school friend – the Stud – who was hooking up with one of the Ohio Budweiser Girls – the Squeeze – who was also a student at Wright State (in pre med) and who the Prof lusted for after meeting her through the Wife, for whom the Squeeze had been a student. The Dork and the Squeeze were good platonic friends, an arrangement that suited all involved. The Squeeze, a surprisingly sharp and non-frivolous sort when away from her cheesecake night job and ditzy girlfriends, enjoyed having someone to talk to at school about “heavy” stuff—those ultimately meaningless religious, political and philosophical matters that college-aged people think are important—that wasn’t female but who would studiously look her in the eye and not act like a slobbering horndog. The Dork both genuinely enjoyed her intellectual company and really liked the opportunity to slyly drink in the eye candy from the 50-yard line, far closer than any of the other salivating jackels could get. The Stud liked the idea that, since 9’s don’t cheat with 2’s, he could leave the Squeeze with the Dork and thus mostly safe from the serious attention of other guys. The Dork and the Squeeze spent lots of time together. Like when the Squeeze took the Dork to see The Cook because the Stud couldn’t stand arthouse movies.

But the Prof eventually took notice of the Dork’s insider status with the Squeeze. He and the Dork had a shouting match over this one day when the Dork went in to discuss the Penn State situation – more specifically, they rowed about the purported role of the Dork to help the Prof, still on the rebound from the Wife, to woo the Squeeze away from the Stud in order to make amends for recommending The Cook.

Let’s just say that had the Dork never recommended The Cook to the Prof, nor been so loyal to the Stud about the Squeeze, the Wife might never have left the Prof, while the Dork might be have been a Penn State alum instead of getting said PhD at A&M. No good deed goes unpunished.

Think how this movie could change your life!

Wild Man of the Navidad is actually surprisingly good. My Dread Central review is even quoted on the cover of the DVD. Filmmakers told me I was also the first person to ever review the finished film.