A couple of week ago (the Aug 7th issue), Entertainment Weekly had a whole spread on vampires and current vampire authors, culminating in one of the typically inane and ill-informed ‘greatest’ lists. As usual when EW tallies up the greatest in anything (movies stars, sci-fi shows, etc.), they mostly reveal that they have no institutional memory past that of a bunch of 30-somethings who never really watched or listened to much of anything older than they were.
As we’ll see, it’s not so much a matter of the entirely predictable yet still retarded tendency to weight the ‘greatest’ of anything to the last couple of decades, but also their horrible rankings.
For instance, the number one greatest vampire ever is…Lestat. OK, Anne Rice for good or ill (put me in the latter camp) redefined vampires, and Lestat is definitely a top fiver. But really, the greatest vampire ever? Notably, they call him “the template for all culturally relevant vampires since.” That shallow emphasis on the here and now as if it were actually important—which, to be fair, is the magazine’s entire reason for being—remains irksome.
Next we get the sops for the traditionalists. Number 2 is Christopher Lee’s Dracula, third is Bela Lugosi’s. I’d flip that, if only because perforce Lee’s Count was in reaction to the Lugosi’s iconic Dracula.
Number four is where we head into insanity, as Edward Cullen, the emo vamp from the Twilight series, gets the nod. Really, EW? The fourth greatest vampire ever?! For the love of Pete.
Things don’t get any better with the number five choice, Bill and Eric from True Blood on HBO. I haven’t seen the show, but again, EW’s tendency to think what they are watching at the moment to represent the ‘greatest’ in history (a word I’m not entirely sure they understand) is ridiculous. By the nature of the beast, the ‘greatests’ of anything are primarily going to come from formative years and then, if whatever particular field had one, a golden age. Things that are the greatest stand the test of time.
Another sop to (comparatively) old times is the number six choice, Asa Vajda, the Barbara Steele character from Black Sunday. OK, good choice.
Number seven is Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Meh, OK.
8 is Mr. Barlow (!) from the 1979 CBS mini-series for Salem’s Lot. So…an explicit knock-off of Max Schreck’s Nosferatu (the screen’s first vampire, as well as its first Dracula) comes in at number eight, while Shrek’s hasn’t appeared yet. Why? Because the people working at EW saw the mini-series when they were kids, and aren’t exactly the types interested in (yuckie!) old stuff, particularly black and white or *gasp* silent movies.
Number nine is Schuyler Van Alen, apparently a character from “Melissa De La Cruz’s Blue Bloods” books, apparently another young adult fiction series. Really? That’s the ninth greatest vampire ever?
Number ten is Gary Oldman’s Dracula. Hey, EW, eat me. Good grief, Langella’s Dracula was better. Or Jack Palance’s. Or Frederick Lederer’s. Or John Carradine’s. Or…. EW mentions the romanticism of the movie’s utterly cliché ‘reincarnated love’ trope, which was trite back in 1932’s The Mummy, and was first used in context of Dracula in Dan Curtis’ telemovie, starring Palance, back in 1973.
By the way, I should note that although there are three literature-based vamps in the top ten, and three screen incarnations of Dracula, that the original Count of Bram Stoker’s novel has yet to get a nod as one of the greatest vampires ever. In fact…he doesn’t ever make the list!!
Number 11 is Klaus Kinski’s Dracula, in the Herzog remake of Nosferatu. Again, and not to blow it, but Max Shrek’s original doesn’t make the list, but two obvious (and purposeful) knock-offs do. Why? Again, they are much newer.
Number 12 is “Zoey Redbird from P.C. and Kristin Cast’s House of Night [book] series.”
Number 13 (I swear to Jabootu!) is Jean-Claude, from Laurell K. Hamilton’s softcore (barely) vampire porn Anita Blake books.
Number 14 is David, the Keifer Sutherland vamp from The Lost Boys. Why? That was made in the ’80s, and again watched by the EW staff when they were teens. It’s not a horrible choice, but again given some glaring omissions from the list so far, it’s still kind of stupid.
Miriam Blaylock and Sarah Roberts from The Hunger come in at 15, because, of course, of their big lesbian scene. I guess the fact the movie is largely forgotten—indeed, pretty much entirely forgotten save again for that lesbian scene–isn’t being held against it.
Sixteen is Blade, from the movies. Meh. OK.
Seventeen is Eli, the vampire from the recent Let the Right One In. Because that’s the latest ‘hip’ vampire movie, and so Eli’s inclusion is a must by EW standards.
18 is Countess Bathory, from 1971’s Daughters of Darkness. Ingrid Pitt, anyone? How about Gloria Holden, the screen’s first starring female vampire, from 1936’s Dracula’s Daughter. Wait, did I say 1936? Sorry. Nothing that old could be ‘great’. (Indeed, the EW editors probably thought they were daring going all the way back to 1971.)
19 is Selene from the Underworld movies. You got me, EW! I nearly managed to make it through your entire list without saying “FUCK YOU!” You got me, though.
Caleb and Mae from Near Dark. Again, in the ’80s “back when I was a teen” wheelhouse. Its notable, though, that even here, EW ineptly picked the film’s tepid, callow leads as their choices, rather than (obviously) the far juicier characters played by Lance Henriksen or Bill Paxton or Jenette Goldstein. Morons.
So, let’s tally. The older ‘greatest vampire’ is from the ’30s. Then there’s one from the ’50s. One from the ’60s. Four from the ’70s. Three from the ’80s. Four from the ’90s. And (drum roll) SEVEN from the ‘aughts. Yep, over a third of the greatest vampires ever are from the last nine years, while over half are from 1990 on. Man, that’s some quality research there.
Meanwhile, the ‘honorable’ mentions sidebar goes to Grandpa Munster, the Count from Sesame Street (OK), Elvira (wait, she’s a vampire?!) and a puppet vampire (I guess) from the recent romcom Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Missing? As noted, Bram Stoker’s Dracula (!!!!); Max Shrek, the cinema’s first Dracula; Barnabas Collins (!), who introduced the tortured vampire a good decade before Anne Rice hit the scene; Count Yorga; Blacula, Chris Sarandon from Fright Night…etc.
EW, you (pardon the phrase) suck.
