We open on a cruise ship entering port, and a credit noting that the film is directed by Anthony M. Dawson. You don’t have to be an expert in ’80s Italian genre movie knock-offs to recognize this moniker, a pseudonym serially employed used by helmer Antonio Margheriti to disguise the fact that whatever film at hand wasn’t made in the States. Although, frankly, if that illusion that it was lasted more than ten seconds into the proceedings, the viewer probably wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. This is particularly true in this case, since 90% of the other names in the credits are clearly Italian.
The action is accompanied by a suitably dismal and indecipherable pop song, entitled “Future” and sung by the great Josette Martial. Adding even further to the strong ’80s vibe is the credit for lead actor David Warbeck. Hailing from New Zealand, Mr. Warbeck at one point was nearly cast as the third James Bond. Instead, Roger Moore ended up with the gig after he was able to get free from some TV commitments. (Shades of Pierce Brosnan.) Following this brush with cinematic immortality, Warbeck largely worked in Italy basically starring in crap like this. One of said pictures was the phenomenally awful Miami Horror, a film I really need to track down a disc of to review.
Travelers Rick Spear (!!) and his girl Carol debark from the ship and head into town in, I think, Turkey. They arrive at a hotel, where we are treated to the film’s typically awful dubbing. Carol’s voice in particular has that breathy, Betty Boop quality that marks a lot of these flicks. Rick goes to the check-in desk, and learns that he’s received an “apartment” (I think they mean suite) instead of the room he requested, and that furthermore the bill has already been taken care of.
My delight heightened immensely when a look out said suite’s window triggered a hilarious smoky sax riff, followed by Rick calling Susan “pussycat” three times in two minutes before leaving on “man business.” Apparently Spear spends a lot of time hanging out with Italian Spiderman, although he doesn’t demand that Susan make him a macchiato.
Spear heads out on foot and wanders around a while, during which at one point we hear sitar music and he enters a bazaar of some sort. Needless to say, the proprietor is a fat bearded guy in a fez who just happens to look a lot like John Rhys-Davies. He will, naturally, end up acting as stalwart Sallah to Rick’s more roguish Indiana Jones.
“I’m looking for Muhammad,” Spear explains, asking if this is the right shop. “It certainly is,” the man replies, “as if it were written in the Koran.” In fact, the fellow himself is Mohammad, albeit not (presumably), you know, that Mohammad.
Mohammad orders an aged associate to “carry your witty bones elsewhere” and invites Spear to take a seat. He then takes his leave for a moment, whereupon a guy in a keffiyeh pops out from behind a hanging rug and tries to garrote Our Hero. Spear fends him off, but sees the man has a tattoo of an eye on the palm of his hand, a fact emphasized by a music sting. There follows a half-assedly ‘choreographed’ and awkward tussle. I have to say, this film is entirely living up to my hopes and expectations. Spear buys Susan a necklace that looks like it came out of a Crackerjack box, although she nearly swoons over it when she gets it.
Susan joins Spear and Mohammad on a night on the town, during which the men conduct business (“man business,” presumably). Needless to say, the three immediately end up at a disco, because this was a European film made in the ’80s. Susan and Mohammad groove to, hey, the film’s second rendition of its awesome theme song, “Future.” Following that, Spear and Mohammad conduct their Man Business, which involves the discussion of a “shaving kit,” a term around which the actors make sure to emphasize imaginary quotation marks. To be fair, though, they don’t actually wink each time they say it.
Spear sneaks out of their hotel room that night and climbs into a car which Mohammad has provided. Inside he finds a briefcase full of some sort of gear, presumably the infamous “shaving kit,” although the print is so dark I can’t actually make out what it contains. Soon we learn the truth, though. Spear is a “master thief” sort of dude, which we can tell because he’s dressed all in black and carries a bunch of tools tucked into the little black vest he’s wearing.
He climbs over a wall, and enter an estate, using a gun to fire a grappling hook. Having thus created a zip line, he slides over the grounds and repeats the process until he reaches the house. Sadly for him, though, a nearby yacht (the house is on a waterway) picks him up on radar (!), and the owner of the yacht, Prince Abdul, orders the radar operator to turn on the “directional microphones.” With these they are able to track Rick’s progress in the darkened abode.
Rick eventually gets the house’s safe open, but is chagrined to find that it contains but a single small artifact. However, here the lights come up, and Rick is confronted by the wheelchair-bound British Lord Dean. It seems Rick’s theft assignment was in fact an addition for a larger job. Rick remains an exaggeratedly hep cat, and one of his traits is to assign people nicknames and use them over and over. Thus Dean becomes the “smarmy bastard,” while Rupert, Dean’s Comically Effete Butler, is called “sweetheart” throughout.
Anyhoo, Lord Dean possesses knowledge of an artifact called the Scepter of Gilgamesh, which is secreted in a hidden desert locale behind a huge gold door. The door must be opened in a certain secret manner, or the entire complex will be destroyed. As Rick has now passed his test, he wants to hire him to find the temple, get the door open, and steal the Scepter. This object supposedly has occult powers (this is a Raiders knock-off, remember), which might cure Dean’s paralysis. Aside from that, it’s one of those fabled objects that in the wrong hands could lead to the assembly of an army of wogs that could threaten western civilization itself, etc.
This is where Prince Abdul comes in, because he’s the film’s rather insufficient Dr. Fu Manchu replacement. He’s listening to all this via his directional mikes, and just happens to lead The Demons of Gilgamesh, the organization that wants the Scepter for the above stated Nefarious Purposes. (I assume he was actually meant to be staking out Dean’s house, although if so I missed any reference to it.) And there’s our plot, now in motion.
That means, naturally, that we know enter the ‘treading water’ stage of things. This mostly concerns Abdul’s inept crew serial attempts to kidnap either Rick or Susan so as to secure Rick’s services for their side. Thus Rick is to be kept alive at any costs (which doesn’t mean that the henchmen don’t continue to try to kill him on several occasions anyway), a fact the lead henchman rather stupidly mentions to Our Hero while attempting to scare him with a gun. Meanwhile, I was at one point highly amused when Rick responds to all this drama by sarcastically asking Dean, “Why didn’t you tell me this job called for Roger Moore?” I wonder if Warbeck himself suggested that self-deprecating in-joke.
The result is several car chases, shootouts, etc. My favorite is an elaborate nighttime car chase through a train yard that is shot entirely with (I presume) radio control cars on a very elaborate miniature set. This is enjoyably cheesy just in conception, but although the eye is never really fooled—you just can’t disguise the little cars’ lack of weight and mass—the way they maneuver the cars and the various actually impressive stunts they get them to do with them is weirdly interesting in itself.
As for Mohammad, he gets shot and left for dead, but survives, and seemingly hours later is well enough to join Rick on his expedition. One of the funnier elements of this whole deal is how the expedition keep including low grade, shoestring analogues for Raiders elements; the Nazis are occasionally referenced, but really don’t have anything to do with things; Rick is threatened by a small snake pit; Rick tells another guy to hold still in The Cave because he has a single tarantula on his shoulder; Rick has to run in front of a large rolling stone wheel, etc. Listen also to the music during the film’s final half hour. It sounds pretty familiar; I’m thinking they lifted the main theme from the previous year’s The Beastmaster.
Meanwhile, the rest of the cast assembles on hand, including Dean, Rupert and Susan on one side, and Abdul and his forces on the other. (Leading to further miniature vehicular mayhem at one point.) At this point I’ll leave off describing the action, in deference to anyone who might want to give the film a looksee. I will note there’s a lava-filled trench in The Cave, so I think you can see where that will take things.
In the end, Ark of the Sun God was more entertaining than I expected it to be, although I have to say my expectations weren’t all that high. Still, the climax is surprisingly elaborate for a film of this sort, and as I’ve said, even the junky elements added to my enjoyment of it. Best of all, it seldom drags, although there is a bit of that in the middle section. All in all, though, not bad.
