T-Fest Open Post…

Updated on August 17, 2011 By Ken Begg 34 Comments

Have a good week, ya’ll. I am comforted by the fact that I’ll be seeing 47% of the readership of this site down in Dallas this weekend. Otherwise, have at it.

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  • Ericb

    Have fun everyone. I’ll be coming down when I have some employment stability (by 2013 hopefully?).

  • JazzyJ

    I will only be able to show up for the evening. See you there!

  • The Rev.

    I can’t wait!

    Once again, here’s the schedule:

    Baby’s Day Out
    The Master of Disguise
    Gigli
    Ishtar
    dinner
    Diry Love
    The Hottie and the Nottie
    Chairman of the Board
    Tammy and the T-Rex

  • TongoRad

    Wow- you guys even get to see a Carrot Top movie? The jealousy, it burns. ;)

    Have a great one!

  • roger h

    the other 53% will welcome you back

  • Pip

    I wanna see “dinner”

    Spelling corrections (because I’m a busybody): it’s “Dirty Love” and “Chairman of the Bored”

  • John Campbell

    Ewww you have to sit through Gigli?

    Good thing it’s before you eat.

    I couldn’t even sit through the review.

    Good luck and god speed Sir Ken of Begg!

  • HammerHorror

    I usually lament that I always seem to be out of town during T-Fest (not sure how it works out that way, either) but this lineup looks too painful for me in any case. The Hottie and the Nottie? Ouch, my brain meats.

  • Mr. Rational

    That seems worse than my fictional all-hippie lineup, Rev…

  • The Rev.

    Mr Rational: That would be the whole point, yes.

    Believe me, if I thought that’d be the line-up, I’d have to bail. Jesus.

    My insider ninjas have actually provided me with one movie to be played Saturday, and I thought about posting a list that had it stashed in there. However, said movie is made of pure AWESOME, and anyone who hasn’t seen it before needs to go in cold so they can just let the Art wash over them.

  • Reed

    can someone re-post the address and time we’re supposed to meet? I’ve forgotten both.

  • The Rev.

    We usually start around 10 a.m.; I haven’t heard otherwise for this one.

    I believe the address is:

    1751 International Pkwy, Suite 115
    Richardson, TX 75081

  • John Campbell

    Reed!! Get with it man! You’re letting the shark punch you!

  • Mr. Rational

    Reed doesn’t live in Soviet Russia…

  • Guy Hoyle

    I have two paintings that I can hrow into the “prise barrel”. One has runes upon it. Sandy gave them to me, but they are now whispering that they want a new home.

  • Marsden

    I liked Master of Disguise. Yes, I was that one person. Too bad it looked like they edited the hell out of it because there were a lot of routines in the end credits that weren’t from the movie.

    Turtle!

  • I have two posters as awards for winners of the contest. Sounds like there will be lots of prizes.

    Actually this year it’s all oscar winners, becauase they are beloved and we want to up the level of our films. So, we have:

    DOCTOR DOOLITTLE
    AIRPORT
    THE ENGLISH PATIENT
    MIGHTY APHRODITE
    CAVALCADE
    CRASH
    DANCES WITH WOLVES

  • The Rev.

    Marsden: You’re one of two, actually. I have a friend who likes it. He also likes Kung Pow: Enter the Fist and Undercover Brother. I mean, genuinely likes them. He brought the latter two to various movie nights we had.

    I had to question our friendship after that.

    Though not as hard as I did with the other friend who brought J-Men Forever! and said beforehand that it was awesome.

  • Rock Baker

    Okay, I’ve stayed out of it because I’m not part of the Fest group, but the random lists of movie titles seem to be some big joke for those ‘in the know.’ So what exactly are the specifics of T – Fest? If I may ask. (What’s it all about? Why are the mock lists of titles so funny? Etc.)

  • John Campbell

    If I had to hazard a guess Rock (I’m not an insider either) the actual list is kept under lock and key until the fest starts. This allows for maximum audio-visual torture to as many fest-goer’s as possible.

    The fake lists are just a one up contest to see who can frighten as many people as possible with their sheer unadulterated badness.

    Mind I could be totally wrong. But I bet I’m not far off.

    Those lists are so bad they make sharks punch themselves.

  • Mr. Rational

    I think John’s about right. That’s always been my assumption.

  • Rock Baker

    Thanks, John! That makes sense (to a point, I’ve seen one or two pretty decent titles slip in there from time to time). It just seems so random. I kept waiting for someone to pair Vampire Circus with Prehistoric Women (1950)!

  • The Rev.

    John is correct. I think Sandy (or maybe Ken himself) started that fake list thing to scare people, but some of us have since joined in because, hey, it totally punches the shark!

  • I think I was the first person to start the mock lists. Usually the lists have some theme, like all Coleman Francis movies or something. Anyway, the real, honest-to-goddess list of movies we showed at T-Fest this year was:

    THE DEADLY MANTIS which had radar and the March of Evolution which apparently goes Squid – Dinosaur – Human. I was convinced.

    THE LOST EMPIRE in which I think at least one girl showed a little cleavage.

    BATMAN TV show, episode 1, where he dances the Batusi and Jill St. John is in thrall to the Riddler.

    ULTRAMAN episode 14 featuring the terrifying Blowhole Monster Gamakurjira who eats pearls, threatening the girl Science Patrol with increased prices for her jewelry (I kid not).

    SH! THE OCTOPUS the scariest movie my dad ever saw when he was 10 years old. The most frightening part was that they weren’t comic relief – they were the stars! (bum bum BUMMMM)

    DARK INTRUDER – a TV pilot with Leslie Neilson as a 1890 psychic investigator. Not bad.

    JIMMY THE BOY WONDER which turned out to be a real crowd-pleaser. The Rev especially enjoyed himself, laughing at all the jokes, and singing along with the songs. He’ll probably claim different in this blog, just to be contrarian though.

    SHORTS – I brought a passel of shorts, such as the Flying Fairy Sexfest from Chinese Torture Chamber Story, and the climactic battle from Rampage. Also we watched the Jilla-Jalla Jellyfish, and other wonders.

    THE MIGHTY GORGA which was 90 minutes of build-up to a really good punchline.

    I’m doing this offhand so I think I forgot something and I do not promise I am listing them in the right order. But someone will soon do a real writeup, I’m sure.

    Also on Thursday Galaxy Jane and her husband came to my place and were rewarded with a showing of CURSE OF BIGFOOT. When they returned on Friday night to partay with the Drauts and Ken they brought me a prayer stick as a gift. Thanks, Jane!

    On Friday night the Drauts, Galaxy Janes, Ken, Black Chad, and a nice girl named Sarah watched a movie with a really handsome and talented executive producer, and earlier I showed them THE VINEYARD, the James Hong showpiece that I yanked at the last minute to replace with JIMMY THE BOY WONDER. It had to be done, though. I admit there was collateral damage.

    Saturday before the Drauts left, I showed them the first episode of Bonekickers, a BBC show about hip archeologists and Patty is now a big fan. We learned that “Faith is the gunpowder of history.” Which kind of ignores the fact that secular governments, for secular reasons, killed more people in the last 100 years than all the religious wars since time began. But I digress.

    Ken is now sitting in my office watching Beast of Blood. Yesterday he saw THE STUFF and Q. Can you believe he’d never seen those? What a rube.

  • Reed

    To me this was one of those badge of honor years: there were 3 movies that made me want to commit sepuku: Sh, The Octopus! (I’m pretty sure that there’s an exclamation point there), Mighty Gorga, and Jimmy the Boy Wonder. Yes, Gorga has 1 absolutely histerical minute, but oh my stars and garters what a dull slog to get there! Sh, The Octopus! was entertaining other than the stars, who made me want to go back in time and beat the crap out of whoever thought they were funny. Jimmy the Boy Wonder is worth an entire blog entry of diatribe, so I will leave it for now. This fest left me feeling rode hard and put up wet. So, naturally I believe a good time was had by all who were not shot in the eye with rubber tipped darts.

    I think that the theme of the fest was “gun safety”. It was a contender before the shooting incident, but that pretty much cemented it.

    Twisted Root turned out to be pretty good. Not cheap, but pretty good. I never did identify the “twisted” flavor in their lemonade. Mint? Agave nectar? There was something different about it (thus the name, I guess).

  • Reed

    Oh, and Sandy forgot Mighty Inframan, or something like that. It was, as the Rev. suggested, one of the most wonderful things to ever come out of China. Possibly excluding Chinese Torture Chamber Story. Different strokes and all that.

  • John Campbell

    Well damn! Wish I could have been there.

    Maybe if you can get Close captioned or SDH versions I can convince the fiancee to go with me.

    You would all get to watch me die a slow bloody death for making her suffer.

    And I promise (I swear I’m not crossing my fingers) that Ken and I won’t talk politics.

    Whew….okay…I ALMOST believed me too!

    Hey Sandy, did you have anything to do with the “last lovecraft” movie?

  • The Rev.

    How Sandy forgot one of the greatest movies of all time (that being Super Inframan), I can’t tell you.

    Reed: That was spearmint. Just as I was taking a sip and wondering why it seemed so odd, I looked at the sign announcing that that tap had spearmint root beer in it. It wasn’t bad, although oddly I found it a much better compliment to my food than I did on its own. However, I preferred the plain old root beer without extra flavoring, which they had in a different tap.

    Ken, Sandy, et al: So sorry I didn’t join you on Sunday. I ran my errands in the morning so I could have them out of the way, and was rewarded with a pounding headache that took me down for the rest of the afternoon. Hopefully I can join you next time. I haven’t seen Beast of Blood or The Stuff. I have seen Q, which was pretty great.

  • The only movie I have had anything to do with is The Whisperer in Darkness (2011, to distinguish it from the 2007 version). My brother worked on Escape From Innsmouth however, which is a short.

    We obviously need gun rules for next time. Or perhaps instead of nerf guns we should just use stuffed animmals and coosh balls.

    I suspect Ken won’t fear discussion of politics next time around. All he has to do is point at the economy.

  • Mr. Rational

    Gun rules? Sandy…this is TEXAS. :)

  • Texas actually has very careful gun laws. You’re caught with a gun and no Right To Carry license and all hell breaks loose. Before you can get the license you have to take a course on non-violence and how to defuse a dangerous situation. And unlike many states you can’t carry a handgun openly within city limits – you can only carry it concealed, and with a license.

    When the right to carry law was passed in 1995, the murder rate dropped from 11 per 100,000 to 9 per 100,000 in one year. That’s significant. And it kept dropping. As of 2009, our murder rate is the lowest it’s been in many decades, and is 40% less than it was in 1960. (Down from a high of 16.9 in 1980, which is the year that the Democrats totally controlled the Texas legislature in exact reverse of the situation today). Republicans have many flaws I can see, but at least in Texas, they have proven vastly more effective on crime control. And no, I don’t chalk it up to our death penalty.

  • Mr. Rational

    Yeah, I was mostly joking. I’m quite happy to reside in a state that treats gun ownership like a serious matter…and where most of the state’s citizens hold both gun rights and gun responsibilities in high esteem.

    That would be…Texas. :)

  • Frank Bauroth

    No one will admit to enjoying Jimmy twb who is not already tainted.

  • Rock Baker

    Let’s see, what would my threat list be….

    Sin You Sinners
    Snow Falling on Cedars
    Monster of Camp Sunshine
    Big Bad Wolf
    Hatchet
    The Sex Killer
    Wham! Bam! Thank you, Spaceman!
    Butterfly

    Token Good Movie (most lists seem to have one for some reason): The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance