T-Fest 2010 Report by Reed L.

Allow me to first extend my gratitude to Ken, Sandy, and Dr. Freex (is it odd that I know his net handle and not his name?) for the terrifically entertaining day. It was great to see the familiar and unfamiliar faces, and I left remembering two more names than I knew from last time. Hi Chad! Hi Patty! Also, it is always nice to discover another power metal fan (Hi Mary!).

Dinner at Burger Island was extremely tasty and there was much conversation to be had on topics ranging far and wide. The chocolate covered cake balls at the fest were quite possibly the best thing that I have ever eaten. It was a fun way to spend a day. Let’s do it again next year.

I wonder what all of Sandy’s students that breezed through for a film or two thought about things? Also, Ken met another fan! You’re on your way, man! [Editor Ken: Yes, I’m picking them up at a goodly rate of one for every five years the site is in existence. World Domination is a mathematical inevitability, in time.]

We struggled with this year’s theme, but I want to propose that the overriding theme for the day was, “Just a girl.”

I regret not having made T(ween)-Fest as I was a fest behind on in jokes. Insular groups are all about the in jokes. I did not have a notebook with me or the nearly eidetic memory some display for riffs and quips so I can not really convey the drollery that occurred, but I wanted to throw in a few thoughts on the various films.

Gorilla at Large

Sandy was right; what more can you ask for in a film? Significant glowering and lurking! Bad gorilla suits! Lee Marvin as the Irish Cop! Perhaps those cigars weren’t just cigars, if you know what I’m saying. An awesome bathysphere carnival attraction that makes me deeply regret never having visited this amusement park! A murderer so implausible that Dario Argento was shaking his head and going, “It just doesn’t make sense.” The world’s densest hero. Mrs. Robinson! 3D jokes galore! An amazing scene! Some of the most incredible (not to mention dangerous looking) bottle rockets I’ve ever seen! Who knew that gorillas loved fire so much?

This movie was a great warm-up.

The Invisible Ray

Another good film, what the hell is going on here? It reminds me of the Stan Lee era Marvel comics; radiation can do anything! Possibly the most unmotivated murders that I’ve seen in a Boris Karloff movie, and that’s really saying something! It’s those statues! He hates those statues! I had no idea that Bela Lugosi was actually much taller than Boris Karloff. Is Bela really the voice of reason in this movie? He must have loved that until he saw the final product and realized that Karloff was blowing him off the screen in every scene that they share. David Manners (nearly indistinguishable from some of the statues)! Wait, Karloff’s character is the one that is supposed to be from the Carpathian mountains, but Dr. Benet is the one who talks like Dracula…

I did get the feeling that this film was luring us into a false sense of security. I knew that my instinct was correct when Sandy danced like a giggling schoolgirl up to the DVD player and put in the next movie. The glee he exhibited was truly… unseemly. I knew that something special was about to happen.

Blood Feast

As it turns out, I was wrong. What was next was Blood Feast. Well, I had heard of this movie for years but had never seen it, so what the hell. It was just as bad as everyone who has ever described it says it is. I loved how someone (sorry I missed who) kept pointing out that Ishtar wasn’t an Egyptian goddess. I’m with you man, but is that really the worst offense being committed here?

I don’t have too much to say about this one. If you haven’t seen it read Sandy’s review and then just imagine what it would be like to watch. Yeah, it’s just like that.

Lunch break at Burger Island. Good burgers, sweet potato fries, good company. As I mentioned to my table, I love the fact that in many situations I would be the biggest cult film geek in the room, but I am really on the lower tier for this crowd. It’s fun to hang out with people who are better versed than yourself in a hobby; you can pick up a lot of information that way. Rarely is that information as useless as it is in this case, which just makes me love it all the more. I am also truly in awe of Sandy’s son’s ability to recognize movie zombies.

To whoever decided to show the soft-core porn short right after lunch, I can only say, “Thank you, sir.” In addition to supplying the day with an entire festival’s worth of nudity, it made the next short even more surreal. I don’t remember what it was called (Blood on the Snow?), because the ensuing footage literally erased the title from my mind. It contains what was, without a doubt, the most horrific image of the day. Let’s just say that if that was how I had to pick my bride I’d be going for the one that said, “Are you freaking crazy? I’m not doing that!” I need a copy of this so that I can inflict it on “friends”. Does Something Weird sell this little gem?  [Editor Ken: Yes, I’m pretty sure it’s an extra on the Terror in the Midnight Sun DVD.]

Mystics of Bali

I had wanted to see this movie ever since I had first read about on, I believe, Dr. Freex’s site. Mega geek points to the multiple people who could name the monster and knew that it was in the D&D Fiend Folio. The penanggalan is one of the most horrific creatures that I know of, which only makes its incredibly inept handling here all the more wonderful. In a more serious movie the money shot with the monster would be a real chunk blower. This movie also boasts the least effective hero ever, and after Gorilla at Large that’s really saying something! I couldn’t stop laughing while he was waving his embarrassingly tiny mystical knife around. At least the cops in Gorilla got big cigars. All this guy got was a beard that turned into a penanggalan. Or, according to Wikipedia, a leyak. If you are going to go study the black magic rituals of the leyak, you should probably find out what one actually is first. Who knew that the secret to black magic was evil cackling laughter?

Brainiac

The Mexican Inquisition – they’re who you go to when the Spanish Inquisition seems a little too reasonable. On the other hand, they turn out to be right, so there is that. Sandy turned on the subtitles so that we could see the dialog while we were laughing, and then it turns out that the sub-titles were even funnier than the dubbed dialog! I wish I could remember the exact quote he used when he was trying to tell people how he was stripped of his property; it really didn’t convey the idea at all. Things we learned in this film: Large bowls of brains exposed to the air for several days will not start to decompose. The forensic and medical fields in Mexico had not advanced very far in the 60’s (or else “puncture wound” doesn’t mean what I think it means). Curses to attack your descendants 300 years down the line aren’t exactly intimidating. Pulsing bladder heads and penis hands do not a frightening monster make, but they definitely make a statement.

Dinosaurus!

We all agreed that the cave man in Dinosaurus! was 10x the hero Cameron Mitchell was in Gorilla, and 1000x the hero that skinny Indonesian guy was in Mystics. You kind of had to feel sorry for the brontosaurus; he just couldn’t catch a break. Best “bottle knife” scene ever! The kid was annoying, but much less annoying than you had any right to expect. This movie was adapted whole cloth into Jurassic Park and heavily influenced the boss fight in Aliens. Mega geek points to everyone who got my Gamma World joke! I wish that I had seen this when I was a kid; it would be a movie that holds a truly special place in my heart. It was still fun even now.

That’s enough from me. Hopefully someone will put up a more lucid review. Thanks for reading!