Foywonder on upcoming SyFy movies…

Camel Spiders? Seriously? I’m an arachnophobe, and that doesn’t remotely scare me.

“Frost Giant” sounds like the old “Jack Frost” DVDs with Chris Alport. Maybe they’ll get Scott MacDonald back to do the awful puns.

As for “Cold Fusion,” Nathan should sue!

A Sci-Fi Channel (I don’t think I’d use the new name if I had a gun to my head) version of Red Riding Hood? What could they possibly be wishing to do with THAT story? I think the Mexican version was weird enough, thanks just the same. (Without knowing anything before hand, I’d guess its either going to retold as a werewolf movie or a space opera with spunky astro-girl Red delivering supplies to a barren outpost (codename: Grandma’s House) while being persued by pirates (their leader known along the spaceways as The Big Bad Wolf) in crappy CGI spaceships. Never have I been so glad that I don’t get television broadcasts!)

Then there’s Unearthed. I like plant monsters but the title they picked makes me want to hit someone.

Here’s the plot synopsis and some casting news for many of the Syfy flicks I listed, as well as a couple more I just learned of.

CAMEL SPIDERS – Based on actual creatures that for years have tormented our armed forces in the Middle East, these creatures have now invaded the southwestern deserts of the United States. The Camel Spiders now freely hunt for prey, unafraid of any predator – including man. No place is safe; no one is beyond their paralyzing sting. In the end, a small band of hearty fighters are forced to make one last stand against the creatures. Produced by Roger Corman. Directed by Jim Wynorski. Starring C. Thomas Howell and Brian Krause.

ICE QUAKE – Beneath the Alaskan landscape, the melting permafrost is about to drastically alter the tranquil scenery. As the permafrost thaws, underground rivers of volatile liquid Methane are created, causing a succession of violent and destructive earthquakes. It’s a race against time to stop the deadly rivers before they lead to a catastrophic explosion that threatens the planet. Stars Brendan Fehr

SEEDS OF DESTRUCTION – At a secluded ranch in the small rural town of Dresden, an insane and eccentric antiquities collector is in the middle of a deal for some stolen items of Israeli antiquity. But the deal quickly goes bad when he claims the items are forged. A gun battle breaks out and one of the items, a sacred limestone vessel is cracked open revealing small black SEEDS that fall to the ground and miraculously begin to take root… and fast. The seeds sprout an ominous black leaf and with it… a hint of the doom that is about to befall mankind.

EARTH’S FINAL HOURS – When a super-dense fragment of an interstellar mass punches through the Earth’s core, the impact slows down the globe’s rotation threatening the world with total destruction. Tech wiz, Jenna Simms, sees an unmistakable pattern correlating to fluctuations in the Earth’s magnetic field that will inevitably culminate in the Earth suddenly standing still. The effects of which will not only divide the planet into searing heat and extreme cold but will also wipe out the land masses as the still moving atmosphere will sweep away anything not anchored to bedrock. Will this be Earth’s final hours?

THE DOOMSDAY SCROLLS – When a sudden rash of worldwide geological disturbances threatens the planet, a desperate search begins for a vanished author who is believed to hold the key to predicting future disasters. But the author is soon discovered dead and in his possession are written instructions explaining he has left behind a Divining Rod – a device that bestows visions of the future upon those who hold it. Stars Jewel Staite

LAKE PLACID 3 – In this sequel, a game warden, his wife and their young son move into their aunt’s cabin on Lake Placid, where the lonely boy starts feeding baby crocodiles he views as pets. Three years later, the crocs start looking at him and his family as their food. Stars Yancy Butler.

RED – A descendant of Little Red Riding Hood brings her fiance home to meet her family and tell him about the family business – they are werewolf hunters. When the fiance is bitten by a werewolf, he finds himself the hunted. Stars Felicia Day

THE 8TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD – Sinbad searches for the golden head of the long lost Colossus of Rhodes and instead finds an island where the mythical Minotaur still rules, protecting a vast treasure. Sinbad and his crew have to battle the creature and its minions to get the treasure and save their own lives. NOTE: Originally titled Sinbad and the Minotaur, so it seems they are not two different Syfy Sinbad flicks as I initially thought.

MORLOCKS – MORLOCKS – An experimental time machine opens a window into the future and mutated monsters (the Morlocks) use it to come back to the present and go on a murderous rampage.

MONSTERWOLF – A creature of ancient legend manifests, bound to protect the ecological balance of the land and killing anyone that threatens it. This elusive guardian is initially both feared and celebrated by the locals, but when a deadly curse affects them all, they must unite and recapture the monster wolf’s spirit or face their ultimate doom. Stars Robert Picardo and Jason London

BEHEMOTH – A global disaster releases a large prehistoric creature from a snowy mountain range. Stars William B. Davis

SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE – An archeology professor unearths a dangerous relic, releasing a creature that can kill with her bone-splitting scream. Stars Lauren Holly and Lance Henriksen. NOTE: This is the first original movie being produced for Syfy by the AfterDark Film Festival folks.

And here’s four more I forgot to include in the original list:

METAL SHIFTERS – Two brothers desperate to keep the family business afloat soon find their prayers answered when a Russian satellite dislodges from orbit and crashes into the middle of a nearby field. Unaware the satellite carries a mysterious alien substance, the brothers sell the satellite to a local artist who uses the wreckage in his giant sculpture. But soon the substance brings the giant sculpture to life; creating an iron monster whose only mission is to kill.

MEGACONDA – Plot is self explanatory. Stars Greg Evigan. Directed by Fred Olen Ray’s son, Chris Ray.

FLESH WOUNDS – On a remote US Army facility that officially doesn’t exist, a top-secret group of scientists conduct weapons research when they’re horribly and suddenly ripped apart by an unseen enemy. With the disappearance of the scientists blamed on terrorists, an elite covert ops team commanded by Lt. Tyler (Kevin Sorbo) is tasked with recovering the missing personnel within 24 hours, as well as keeping the operation strictly off the books. Accompanied by a CIA escort Cassandra Mason (Heather Marsden), Tyler’s team arrives in country only to find the scientists already dead. They’ve been savagely dismembered and as one of the team observes, “there’s no way an AK-47 can do this to a man.” Tyler’s commandos engage the terrorists, but after the slaughter it’s apparent the supposed terrorists are actually a contingent of US soldiers on a training exercise. Something far stronger and more dangerous than terrorists has mutilated the scientists. Pentagon machinations aside, Mason points out that Tyler’s job is just to shoot his gun and keep his mouth shut. But as the bodies pile up and the deadline closes in, the reason for the secrecy becomes clear. Tyler and his team have been sent to destroy a prototype super soldier, and this mission they may not return from.

THE LOST FUTURE – In a post-apocalyptic world, both humans and animals have devolved back to the Stone Age. But a small group of wise men knows there is knowledge in the mysterious artifacts called books. Now they have found a young man who knows how to read. If they can defeat the warlord who rules the city where the books are kept, the young man can help them defeat the disease that decimated the world and restart civilization. Stars Sean Bean.

MANDRAKE – A group of adventurers searching for a Spanish conquistador artifact find that the jungle around them is a single living being – and it’s not happy they’re there. NOTE: Haven’t confirmed it yet, but I think this might be Unearthed with a less generic title.

KILLER MOUNTAIN – No details yet. Presumably not actually about a mountain that comes to life and kills people.

The plot summary of EARTH’S FINAL HOURS is making my brain hurt. It sounds like they’re both going to use and completely ignore the whole concept of inertia at the same time.

Didn’t someone already make a movie like METAL SHIFTERS? And wasn’t it called HARDWARE?

And as Rock pointed out, the plot of FLESH WOUNDS has shown up in countelss movies already. Unless they’re putting a new spin on i- Wait, it’s Siffy. Never mind.

I’ll be bitterly disappointed if KILLER MOUNTAIN isn’t about a mountain that goes around killing people.