Monster of the Day #3252

“Ha ha, I get the girl, and the money, and I’m double-jointed!”

I have to admit, the phrase “A Baffling G-Man Novel” is quite intriguing.

You can never be too rich or too thin.

A lot of dames being menaced by skeletons this week, but at least this time she’s armed and ready to fight back!

Previously: Bunny’s full on assault of the Skeletal Giant of Southern North Dakota with a purse proves less successful than initially imaged, as the Undead Titan is not only unharmed by the attacks, but also develops what can only be called a Konging Attachment to the young lady. Before things can become too hands on, Mr. D returns with a Cerberus named Fifi who up to this point had been retired and living in Palm Springs. The battle is joined, and what a ferocious battle it is!

And now the continuation of The Dauntless Mr. D.

* * *

“More I think ’bout, more I think I shoulda gotten th’ tommy gun. With me bein’ the one that used one and all.”

“Once. And after what I’ve seen of your aim with a purse tonight, you’re lucky to get any gun at all.”

“Ya didn’t get that much.”

Wally paused his stride to give Bunny a look. “Nine times.”

“Nah, no way.”

“I have the bumps and bruises to prove it.” He lifted up a sleeve to reveal a sampling. “Contrary to what our oversized friend might think, that purse of yours hurts. Lots.”

Bunny giggled into her hand. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” He stepped towards Bunny, taking her in his arms. “Have I mentioned how good it is to see you again?”

“Not often enough.” No sun or star could beam as brightly as Bunny did at that moment. But only for a moment, as cold reality intruded upon dream. She pushed the handsome man away, saying, “Too bad yer married and all that.”

“What?” Confusion looked so at home on Wally’s face it might as well have been paying rent. “When did that happen?”

“Don’t kid a kidder. Yer Ma was hot ta trot with you and that Jezebel hussy. And yer lookin’ awfully chummy with that Jezebel hussy when I last saw ya. Heavy on th’ awful.”

“Wait, no, Jezebel and I were only…?” Wally cocked his head to one side as comprehension cleared out bewilderment. “Huh. That would explain a lot of oddities with her.”

“Are. Ya. Serious?”

Wally shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Popsy and Mumsy forbade me from seeing her after you left. They found out Jezebel left a few more dead husbands in her wake, and it turns out there are some things even a Tillinghast won’t put up with.”

“So,” Bunny took a step towards Wally, hope blooming within her. “Ya ain’t married.”

“Not even remotely.” Somehow the resuming clench would prove more enthusiastic than the last. “As a bonus, I think you’ll find me a wee bit more… worldly than before.”

He demonstrated. The resulting kiss wasn’t the best in the world—he was a Tillinghast after all–but Sunny could hardly contain her rapture. She grinned up at him, gushing, “Oh, Wally, this is–”

Suddenly a frigid voice echoed from every corner of the chamber. “What looks like a happy ending. And I do so love spoiling a happy ending. Magna Ossa, attend.”

From beneath the pile of wooden coins erupted the Skeletal Giant, Magna Ossa, one hand darting out to claim Bunny while the other made for Wally. The intrepid young man tried dodging and shooting his tommy gun at the spot he thought he saw the Snow Witch. Unfortunately his feet didn’t quite get the message and tangled him up without more than a few futile shots fired into an unresisting wall. He thudded into the cold stone floor, lost the gun, and in short order was lifted with Bunny as the undead titan rose to nearly its full height.

Bunny glared at him the whole time. “Ya didn’t even load th’ gun, ya fink!”

Wally grinned weakly, “Your lack of aim really, really scares me.”

The Snow Queen stepped from the shadows. No longer did she possess the cold regal beauty she had when last they met. The Satan’s Brunch that had released Magna Ossa had drained her of her enchantments. Gone was her unearthly beauty, replaced by the wrinkled ravages of centuries, as well as a couple Bloody Marys too many. Even her gown had lost its pristine glitter, now a yellowed rag one might find in a common thrift store.

Even so, she smiled her wicked smile. “Honestly. The two of you have to be the dumbest people on the face of the planet. Wandering one of the most evil locales there ever was, and what do you do but have this mawkish displace. Who does that? No one smart, let me tell you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Bunny called down. “Well who’s been whippin’ yer tail so far, eh?”

“You see?” The Snow Witch said, gesturing towards the captive damsel. “You prove my point. That was probably the stupidest thing you could have said to me, given the situation. Magna Ossa–!”

But before she could finish, a rhythmic, strangely familiar sound filled the chamber, growing closer and closer. The Snow Queen turned towards the sound, and as she did a huge red shape bounced directly over her head.

As it did, the well satisfied voice of Mr. D rang out, “Apparently Fifi really adores playing fetch.”

An unearthly scrabble of claws followed. The Snow Witch’s eyes widened as a mammoth canine apocalypse charged towards her. She got one last “Oh fud–” before being flattened beneath the Cerubus’s clawed paws.

Nice! Raymond Chandler reference!

It’s the best thing I’ve read since Chuck Tingle’s ‘Space Raptor: Butt Invasion’!!!

All joking aside they’ve been awesome!!! I’ll bet there better written than the actual stories!

I’m not certain how to respond to this. :-)