Fortified by my yummy—and free, because Jeff picked up the dinner check for everyone sitting at our table, despite the fact that he knew only three of the roughly dozen people so situated—catfish appetizer (which came with fries and was really a meal), I jumped into Jeff’s rental car and we headed back to Sandy’s.
Everyone seemed re-energized by the break, and ready to start in on the second shift of movies. If I remember correctly, it was here Sandy showed a second Soviet propaganda cartoon from a rather marvelous set of them I also own. There’s a story that the Soviet state media (i.e., all of it) would attempt to humiliate the US by showing Russian citizens news reports when there were riots here and such. In fact, these attempts reportedly failed, because said citizens would instead focus on how many supposedly poverty-stricken people here appeared to own cars, and such like that.
We all had a similar reaction here, to a cartoon about a dog that inherits its deceased owner’s vast fortune. It’s kind of an Animal Farm sort of thing, more or less, as the dog because dressing and acting human, getting all snobbish and going to dance clubs and eventually being elected to the Senate. I couldn’t even tell what the attack on U.S. values was supposed to be, but pretty much everyone agreed the real ‘message’ was that in America even pets could become rich and powerful and dress nattily and go to dance clubs. One can only suspect that the Soviet citizens exposed to the ‘toon had like thoughts.
Note: I put the link up to the used sets at Amazon, because damn, their direct store price is way too high. However, further info on this fascinating set can be found in the main record for it. Indeed, always checked the used prices for the items I link to, although buying that way means paying for shipping.
Upping the weird factor (again), Sandy presented Big Meat Eater, a nearly indescribable shoestring Canadian sci-fi musical spoof. Set in a small town seemingly in the ’50s, we open with a music number sung by a guy’s who’s the local butcher…and a streetwalker! [See previous T-Fest chapter for hilarious joke context.] The film involves aliens—the best gag, as in a parody of zero-budget effects these are ‘played’ by chintzy wind-up toy robots—and mutations and super-science and, oh, yeah, the titular character, a gigantic Arab (albeit played by a black guy who sings in a growl of a blues voice) murderous cannibal named Abdul.
It’s hard to judge something like this objectively because it’s so strange and specific. Bad or good don’t really apply; it’s more whether you dig its vibe or not. I liked it pretty well, although it’s not going on my all-time classics list or anything. I will say the songs and such were pretty well written and executed. Another subtler gag is that many of the actors have inappropriate accents, which I found suitable amusing. I guess the closest analogue would be the Rocky Horror Picture Show, minus the audience participation and smut.
Next Sandy presented War in Space. I was thinking Italian Space Opera, but it was Japanese. In fact, the crowd cheered when the Toho logo appeared, which warmed my heart. Apparently meant as a (barely audience) answer to Star Wars, this remake of Atragon featured an attack from space rather than the undersea Mu Empire, but was otherwise basically the same. This was fine, although I like Atragon better, myself.
The show-stopper moment was when they introduced a guy in a wookie costume, ‘altered’ with plastic yellow horns. Needless to say, this was hilarious, but then they barely go anything with the guy! Rip off!!
Even so, my favorite element was “Jimmy from NASA,” a much mentioned dude who I began to think would never actually appear on screen. He finally did, in the person of a Vincent Van Patten look-alike. In a bit stolen from Starship Troopers, he learns his family died in an attack by the alien threat. In the end, of course, he launches a heroic kamakazi attack, leading to many shouts of “JIMMMMMMY!!!!” This I naturally emulated for the rest of the show.
The most tiresome element involved the classic romantic triangle where the girl is with the wrong guy, the latter of whom inevitably dies in order to clear the way for the other fellow. Toho used this trope quite a bit, although so did many American ’50s sci-fi flicks. Still, the girl was cute and the aliens did put her in a leather fetish suit at one point. She is first seen in this standing next to the horned Wookie, making this one of the greatest single camera shots ever.
I think it was after this film (but maybe not) where Mary came up and said she was having a great time, but would be leaving early because of the long drive back home. Sandy heard her, and invited her to stay the night at his house so as to spare her this (not to mention a tired night drive). Sandy was also putting me up, as well as—at my request—Jeff, who was attending his first T-Fest. That’s just the kind of guy he is.
We also watched an amusing big spider short here, which can be found on the Eight Legged Freaks DVD. It’s the short that won its director the helming gig on that highly entertaining film.
This year’s Fest was defined, arguably, by a painful absence. When Chris couldn’t make the show, he said he’d try to send his selection Big Man Japan. By that morning, it hadn’t arrived. This naturally left another slot open, and in its place I put a recent discovery called Samurai Cop. If I do say so myself, I believe this is the film that attendees will most pungently remember.
I don’t want to get too much into particulars here, because I’ll be posting a review of the film shortly. Even so, I’d say the audience loved the movie for the first part, but that this shifted into DEEP HURTING about the time it started showcasing a series of simulated sex scenes that featured both the hero and Robert D’Zar (!) lounging around wearing only banana hammocks.
In the meantime, Vox Populi:
“I thought Harrad was pretty bad, and it was, but Samurai Cop was definitely the make-or-break film of this year’s Fest.” – The Rev. D.D.
“I thought Samurai Cop was, in context, quite possibly the funniest thing that I had ever seen. I can see how if you were to watch it home alone that it would induce deep hurting… Oh, sorry Ken.” — Reed.
“Harrad Experiment was cake. As I said, Samurai Cop was this year’s Excruciator…Don’t get too comfortable there, Ken. We haven’t forgotten Samurai Cop. Vengeance is coming, Ken, and she’s riding a fast horse.” — Chad R.
Ahh. It’s like sucking on sweet, sweet candy.
It’s become tradition to end T-Fest with a T-Rex movie. Last year it was Sandy’s turn to pick that flick, but his choice, King Dinosaur,* didn’t arrive from Amazon in time. In lieu of Chris’ pick—not to mention his person—being available, it seemed natural to put this into the rotation.
[*King Dinosaur‘s claim to being a T-Rex movie is hilariously but fittingly dubious. The film’s otherworldly dinosaurs are your standard lizards dressed up with pasted on fins and such. At one point, the hero looks upon the titular macrophotographed iguana and rather inaccurately declares, “It looks just like the king dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus Rex! No one will ever believe us!” I’ll say!]This was the first film of legendary schlock auteur and gigantism buff Bert I. Gordon, whose initials fittingly spell BIG. Given his later work, you can imagine what this tyro effort is like, and you’d be dead right. It’s got it all: A staggeringly moronic script, really bad acting, and, of course, some of Gordon’s trademark shoestring embiggening ‘special’ effects. This is a film that, running a seemingly (if you haven’t seen it) spare 58 minutes, yet begins with—and I’m not exaggerating here—somewhere between ten and fifteen solid minutes of stock footage. Meanwhile, another five minutes is spent documenting the purportedly amusing antics of a supposed space “honey bear.”
Want a taste? Check out this dialogue exchange between two planetary explorers:
Nora: What time would you say it is?
Dick: Say it’s about 3 o’clock Earth time here.
Nora: ‘Cept that we don’t know how many hours are in the daily cycle here. You know this place could move around faster than our Earth!
[Pedantic Ken: Or, uh, slower.]
Dick: Well let’s figure it for 3 o’clock anyway! That gives us 3 or 4 hours before dark.
Anyway, after announcing that “A new planet has moved into our solar system,” (‘into our solar system’ indeed; it rests seemingly but a few hundred miles from Earth), we eventually meet the two male/female couples—the film’s only cast members—who the government sends to investigate this body. Quickly doffing their spacesuits, they stroll around the *ahem* oddly Earth-like planet. And stroll. And stroll. On DVD, this film is fittingly paired with The Jungle, a sci-fi flick that featuring nearly unendurably long stretches of ersatz mountain climbing in place of anything more expensive. Here’s it’s strolling. You can’t say the two films aren’t well-matched.
Occasionally they are attacked, sorta, by a badly matted giant space bug, and one guy is mauled by a space ‘gator. On a mysterious island, though, they find several ‘dinosaurs.’ These naturally battle one another, and in wince-inducing fashion, given that we know these are real lizards tearing into one another. Anyway, after almost (sorta) being killed, the astronauts decide to use the backpack nuke they brought with toe destroy the ‘saurs, supposedly lest they threaten the Earth. (??????) Needless to say, the real reason is that you don’t bring a nuke with and not blow it off. It’s like a trunk full of fireworks brought to a weekend campout.
Anyway, I reviewed this as a Video Cheese segment back in 2002. This never got transferred over to the new site here, so I’ll post it after this is up.
And, that was it. We collectively cleaned up the room, grabbed any and all gear (hopefully), and said our goodbyes. See you all next year, guys!
And so, about two o’clock I began a good night’s sleep. For me, though, the trip was not yet over…
