A couple of days ago I checked out what Disney was set to release in 2008. Here’s Paramount’s announced slate, which is easily the worst one of any of the major studios. I winced upon reading the details of at least half the movies.
Jan 11th
27 Dresses
Romantic comedy about a woman who has been a bridesmaid 27 times (get it?), but never a bride. Not to blow anything, but that will probably change by the end of movie. Stars the woman from Knocked Up, and more thrillingly, the guy I vaguely remember playing Cyclops in the three X-Men movies.
Jan 25
Meet the Spartans
And get kicked into a well? No, thanks. Actually a spoof of 300. Oddly enough, the odds of this being good are about 300 to one. (Actually, it’s made by the folks behind Epic Movie, so that might be generous.) Stars Kevin Sorbo at least.
Feb 14
Jumper
Teleportation movie, between those who can and those who want to kill them. I’ve seen the previews, and remember whatever the hell that male knock-off of The Craft was last year, with a bunch of hunky, young open-shirted dudes trying to kill each other with magic and recycled Matrix effects? This looks a lot like that. Samuel L. Jackson embarrasses himself by taking what looks like the Morpheus role. Hey, a paycheck’s a paycheck. Also stars that Hayden guy who everyone loved as Anakin Skywalker.
March 14th
Horton Hears a Who
Animated. For the love of all that is good and pure, please be better than Cat in the Hat (no Paris Hilton cameos would help) or *shudder* The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…wait, this stars Jim Carrey? Never mind.
March 21st
Shutter
Finally, something original! It’s apparently a remake of a creepy Japanese ghost movie. Oh, wait…
May 16th
What Happens in Vegas
Can we now officially put that cliché to sleep now? Two people…drunk…wake up married…one has one a big jackpot with other’s cone…scheme to get all money…fall in love…blech! Stars Ashton Kutcher and (oh, my) Cameron Diaz. Camerson, sweetie, get another agent. Oh, and Queen Latifah is in it. I think that about sums it up.
May 30
Starship Dave
Has there ever been a phrase so blood-chilling as, “A sci-fi comedy starring Eddie Murphy”?
June 13th
The Happening
Wouldn’t it be nice to actually like an M. Night Shyamalan movie again? Yeah, I’m not holding my breath, either. Also: “A couple goes on the run from an apocalyptic crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity.” Hasn’t he already made that movie? If he didn’t, Steven Spielberg sure did.
Aug
Babylon A.D.
“A veteran-turned-mercenary (Vin Diesel) agrees to escort a woman from Russia to Germany, not realizing that she’s the host for an organism that a cult wants to harvest into a genetically-modified Messiah.” Let me get this straight: Vin Diesel is now remaking Jean-Claude Van Damme movies?! Still, exciting for those who want to see what a seventy-year old Charlotte Rampling looks like. (Much like the 30 year-old Charlotte Rampling, I’m guessing.) And Michelle Yeoh, why?
TBD
Australia
“A romantic action-adventure set in northern Australia prior to World War II, centers on an English aristocrat (Nicole Kidman) who inherits a ranch the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take her land, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn cattle driver (Hugh Jackman) to drive 2,000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles of the country’s most unforgiving land, only to still face the bombing of Darwin, Australia, by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor only months earlier.” Please, Nicole, stick to those remakes of sci-fi movies and fantasy TV shows you do so well. That’s obviously your bread and butter.
