Monster of the Day #1204

The Alligator People…I think I sees me some snout thar!

Q*Bert’s career as a video game athlete ended when falling off the pyramid too many times he wound up in a full body cast.

I can just imagine him lying there, swathed in white bandages, with only his orange snout poking out. Every now and then, he makes a soft sound, one that is no doubt an obscenity.

I find myself feeling partly to blame for his fate. I was never a good video game player and Q*Bert was far from my best game. We’d hardly start before Coily’s egg bounced off the top of Q*bert’s head. in fact, for years I was unaware that there were other stages. I just thought there was the one. Impassible. One.

The last time I played the game was a year ago at a local tavern. My quarter had no more than slipped into the slot when Q*Bert gave a loud curse, then started hopping straight to the bottom of the screen. No matter which way I jiggled the joystick, he kept right on going until he finally vanished at the bottom of the screen.

He did that five times, but I took the hint after the fourth. It was the second most embarrassing moment in my gaming career.

The first happened later that night when I tried playing Super Mario Bros. Mario took one look at who was going to control him, screamed “OH GOD NO!” then exploded into a ball of green flame. In the console box beside that one I heard Donkey Kong weeping piteously.

Donkey Kong.

Crying for Mario.

I haven’t been in that tavern since.