Things that make you go ‘hmm’….

Updated on January 26, 2010 By Ken Begg 17 Comments

So I’m tossing a bunch of my hundreds and hundreds of incredibly useless VHS tapes (I don’t even have a working VCR anymore). I have to make room for some B-Fest attendees, you see.

So I have a tape for a DTV ’80s actioner called Dark Rider, which not only features Joe Estevez by name and image on the cover art, but under his named notes “(Star Of Soultaker)” Yes, the parentheses are on the box.

I mean, really, they expected people to be more likely to rent the film not just because it starred Joe Estevez, but because it was the Estevez who starred in Soultaker.

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  • Joe

    I was once burned by false promises of Joe Estevez.

  • That’s funny. I’m been burned several times by fulfilled promises of Joe Estevez.

  • HatchetFace

    Oh come on, VHS aren’t *totally* useless. Maybe some would make good raffle prizes at B-Fest?

  • I don’t know. Isn’t that like handing out 8 track tapes these days?

    I do have a bunch of stuff that never made it to DVD, though. Those I may hang on to until I get somebody to burn me copies.

  • Mr. Rational

    Actually, Ken, I still have a working VCR. If you’re seriously thinking of just throwing stuff out, I would love to take some of it off your hands. I’d pay you for ’em, plus shipping.

  • Heck, I’d pay shipping to get some of those you want burned. I have a VCR/DVD burner combo that’s just waiting for dubbing use. *grins*

    And shipping to WI would be cheaper!

  • Thanks for the support, boys. Next week after things slow back down, I’ll start going through the tapes and seeing which ones I’d like copies of. Then I’ll assemble a list of what I’ve got.

    Of course, some of the tapes probably won’t work anymore, but some will. And some of them you could probably burn extra copies and sell them on ioffer.

  • Foywonder

    I’d say over half my collection is still VHS. Some real obscurities. Lost a few during Katrina and thinned the herd (so to speak) in the aftermath due to storage issues, but I’m willing to hang on to a good number of these movies because I know they are most likely never going to see an official release on any other format.

    For example, I have this obscurity in my collection called DARK RIDER. Oh, wait…

    Yep, Ken, I’ve seen DARK RIDER. Been meaning to write a review for a long time now. You really feel sorry for Estevez’s character and keep in mind he’s the villain. Has a major PRINCE OF SPACE vibe what with the hero being capable of doing no wrong, always thwarting the bad guys every step of the way, and poor Estevez is made out to be such an incompetent bad guy you begin pitying him.

    You’d be amazed how often I see cheap little b-movie trying to make their no-name stars sound like an enticement. The best ever is another obscurity I have in my collection called NIGHT OF THE KICKFIGHTERS. Text atop the box boasts that it stars Andy Bauman star of (INSERT THREE TITLES I CANNOT RECALL OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD HERE). Thing is, who the hell is Andy Bauman? Another reason to ask that question: none of the three previous Andy Bauman movies exist. Looked them up on IMDB and there is no listing. Google search turns up nothing. They actually released a movie hyping its star as a reason to watch it based on his appearance in three prior movies that they appear to have just made up.

    Still, my all time favorite misguided attempt to entice viewers goes to the movie KOMODO that boasted the following text at the top of the VHS/DVD/posters:

    “From the producers of CONGO”

    That is not an enticement. That is a warning. Why did they not realize that?

  • Mr. Rational

    Hmm, Foywonder. The marketing strategy for your boy Andy Bauman sounds a lot like that for “action superstar Ron Marchini,” leading man in such brilliant flicks as “Omega Cop” and “Karate Cop.” Maybe the same marketing team did both boxes…

    Speaking of Ron Marchini, apparently he is a champion martial artist, and he’s been in several low-budget films, most of which he produced. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out why that makes him an action superstar. To me, Ron Marchini sounds like a drink, not the second coming of Stallone. I’m fairly certain I ordered one once at a bar. I think it contained vermouth.

  • GalaxyJane

    I’m just glad to know I am not the only one with an attic full of boxes of completely useless VHS (no VCR here either) because “Never too Young to Die” hasn’t ever had a DVD release and ONE DAY I will find a buddy who can burn it to DVD for me.

    Please feel free to insert your own favorite piece of lamentably unrelated schlock in to the above.

  • Ericb

    I’ve got a closet full of old LPs that never listen to. I don’t even have a turntable.

  • Rock Baker

    I’d say over half my library was VHS, and I love the format. Since a lot of obscure films were made availible on VHS back in the early days, the prints are often of a much better quality than some of the recent DVD issues of the same films. Largely because the prints were a lot newer at the time. Case in point: Sasquatch, the Legend of Bigfoot. The old VHS print (which I am wishing to locate for my library) was so complete you could see the reel changes, as compared to the recent Retromedia release which is reported to have a bit of wear and splicing. Then there’s those that, as far as I know, haven’t been released at all on the new format, like Bigfoot (1972) -another I’m anxious to get my hands on! The video had a sharp, color-saturated print which didn’t make a very good transfer to a bootleg disc that my brother picked up for me. Obviously copied from the tape, the disc copy shows a bit of wear and the colors are faded a bit. My favorite guilty pleasure movie, and I have yet to find a copy as good as that rental I saw a decade ago. Speaking of rentals, every video store I know used to stock a minimum of three copies of Godzilla 1985. Word has it that the print currently making the rounds has been altered a bit, with pieces of music and sound effects removed. Its another tape I really, really want for my library. But the DVD thing has been a double-edged sword. Sure, there are better prints of some titles, but there are some films who’ve been subjected to worse transfers than before, or lost in the shuffle completely. Ken, don’t go throwing away VHS tapes willy nilly, they are a true treasure to some of us. And some folk still listen to 8-track tapes.

  • Rock Baker

    And we do pay for those treasures when we have to. I’ve seen videos I’m looking for turn up on Ebay where the seller is asking sometimes fifty to seventy dollars and beyond. And they’re getting it too! I don’t buy them because A) I don’t have that kind of spare change, and B) I’m not a moron. Someone needs to start a business of locating good tapes of those titles that have suffered from the move to DVD and make quality transers for all us collectors out there!

  • GalaxyJane

    That should have read lamentably UNRELEASED shlock. Dammit, I have got to learn to check this stuff before I hit the submit button.

    And Ericb, the only reason I don’t have a closet full of LPs too is that an ex took them 18 years ago. It was a pretty small closet though. Even then, I didn’t have anything to play them on, but dammit I could make a killing on Ebay with some of it now.

  • roger h

    I’ll take some of the transfer/burning burden. keep me in mind.

    Maybe they were hoping that you would think Joe Eszterhas?

  • Speaking of schlock on VHS – I have a new-in-wrapper copy of R.O.T.O.R.

    Yikes.

  • Kirk, surely there’s some Texas museum you can give that to? I know local history is really big down there.