Every British actor it seems, no matter how ill suited for the role, eventually gets a whack at playing Sherlock Holmes. (Hell, even raised in Canada American Matt “Max Headroom” Frewer got to play the part very badly a number of times. He was even worse in the role than Tom Baker.) In this Brit TV movie, presumably the pilot for a series or another movie or two, Jonathon Price gets his shot. He’s not bad, really, but he’s let down by the film’s take on Holmes. He’s a bit too soft, and the wistful quality they give him reeks of an attempt to ‘humanize’ the Great Detective. Blech.
In any case, here Holmes is all but a supporting character to the titular Baker Street Irregulars. In the Canon, the BSI is a group of street smart ragamuffins that Holmes uses as spies and information gatherers. Here they progress to being more or less detectives in training, and presumably any subsequent series would have focused more or less entirely on them.
This isn’t the worst Holmes adaptation I’ve seen, but that’s because there are a lot of truly awful ones. Still, this one doesn’t exactly cover itself in glory. As noted, Holmes is softened up a bit too much. Watching him earnestly declare to one suspicious young lady that “I do care” was a tad revolting.
The other attempts to ‘update’ the material and make it more ‘relevant’ are equally lame. The BSI kids are rotely gender balanced, with the toughest member being of course a girl, and their ensemble even includes a young Chinese lad. Meanwhile, the other girl is mysteriously a bit of a toff, allowing her to go undercover in upper class settings.
Particularly grating is a slew of anachronistic language. Threatening notes are at one point described as “hate mail” (!!!), and at another juncture one of the kids actually responds to some good news by exclaiming, “Awesome!” Egad! This was so egregious I coulnd’t believe my ears and had to replay it several times before admitting I’d heard it correctly. Considering how horrendous these notes sounded to my American ears, I can only imagine how they played in Old Blighty proper.
Worse is that the movie involves what in pastiches has become one of the Canon’s most over and ill-used characters, Irene Adler. Not only is Adler of course pushed here as a possible romantic interest for Holmes, but much, much odder, she is transformed into a wantonly murderous, Moriarty-esque master criminal. I mean, seriously, what the hell? She disguises herself as a man at one point, and they accomplish this remarkable disguise by having ‘her’ played an actual man at this point. Stage make-up was apparently far more progressed back then than I had thought.
The mystery is pretty weak, and Holmes never really seems to be deducing stuff so much as given solutions by the script. The transport of Adler’s final goal would require far more resources than she brings to bear, a fact that is laughably obvious. And the crime is basically just a rip-off of the classic Holmes short story The Red Headed League. Meanwhile, Holmes’ police detective antagonist is predictable moronic and spiteful.
As for the kids, they half try to show the ‘reality’ that the kids were basically homeless scroungers, but the rest of the time they portray their lives as jolly good fun. Moreover, one of the BSI kids is given a ‘major plot twist’ so thoroughly telegraphed that I was actually forced to tip a Western Union boy. I mean, the writers of Murder, She Wrote would have snorted in derision.
And thank goodness I wasn’t drinking anything when they cut to the last shot of the show, which involves the characters walking side by side towards the camera in slow-motion (!), a shot so overused since The Right Stuff back in 1983 that it should be outlawed by act of Congress. Actually, I’m probably giving the director too much credit. I’m sure he meant to rip off Reservoir Dogs. Apparently they didn’t think that was insulting enough, however, since they then follow this with a mind-bendingly stupid ‘shock’ sting.
Price is a fine actor (although he blows about every single other cast member out of the water), and Holmes completists may wish to give this a look for his sake. For myself, may I suggest Nicholas Meyers’ marvelously fun Seven Percent Solution? Hell, even Young Sherlock Holmes. You’ll be a lot happier.
Uhm, I kind of liked the theme music. Not great, but pretty good. There, I said something nice.
