Assignment: Ken!!!

It struck me that I may as well take advantage of my, er, increasingly exclusive audience. (It turns out many people stop coming to a website when the administrator stops, you know, providing content. Who knew?) As well, it probably behooves me to reward you hardy survivors with more than a daily picture of a comic book featuring an octopus.
Since B-Fest is next week, I will probably hold off on implementing this EXCLUSIVE OFFER until the end of the month. But here’s the idea: Is there a movie you’d like my thoughts on? Any movie? It doesn’t have to be a genre film, or bad, or whatever. Give me a film title, I’ll watch it (if I can find a copy somewhere), and then I’ll do a little write up on my general thoughts.

To clarify, I’m not promising full length reviews here. Although heaven knows, once I start bloviating on something, you never know when, or (let’s be frank) if, I’ll ever stop.
Anyway, one per customer. I’ll take suggestions for the next week or so, so no rush. Indeed, maybe you’ll want to build on another person’s selection. If someone asks me my thoughts on Murder, My Sweet, maybe you want my thoughts on Farewell, My Lovely.
Just leave your title in the comments below. I’ll try to keep this blog post on the front page so people don’t have to search for it.

  • CaptNemo

    Hmmmm. What will I blow my wish on?

    I choose “Danger: Diabolik.” Available on youtube.

  • Eric Hinkle

    How about ‘Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks’? (Listen carefully are you can hear the scream of rage!)

    Yes I know it won’t happen but more seriously I’d love to hear your thoughts on any animated movie. Especially some horror like one of those animated Titanic films. You know, either the one with the rapping dog or the gangster sharks.

  • Craiggers

    I’d love to see you take on Demons……

  • Toby Clark

    The Last Airbender, currently my pick for the worst film I’ve ever seen (though actually tied with The Legend of the Titanic).

  • Gamera977

    I dunno, the MotD is plenty to keep me coming here everyday.

    I suppose I’d say more ‘Superfriends’ just a short paragraph episode commentary would be fun.

  • Flangepart

    Hummmm…what to choose…
    FROGS. In tribute to the likes of Albert Gore…who thinks (possible) global warming is a greater danger than (real) Islamic terror.
    And who don’t like ranting Ray Milland?
    BTW…you ain’t done that one yet. I checked the archives. Man, it’s time to go do some re-reading, gang!

  • Scrivener

    You finally gave me an incentive to de-lurk. You may come to regret that.
    If I had to choose something … I’d like to see you finish up the “Rocky” series. Your opinions on the last two movies, especially “Rocky Balboa”, would interest me. (I won’t prejudice you by giving my opinions, but I do have them.)
    And I second Gamera’s motion on the Superfriends.

  • GreenLuthor

    I’d like to see more Superfriends write-ups as well.

    Otherwise, how about “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” (the second one isn’t all that horrible) or any of the Michael Bay “Transformers” movies?

  • Heli

    Looooong time lurker here, but I do still hang around. I was thrilled to see that Halloween review pop up recently, and pound for pound, I think this will always be my favorite movie review site. I really enjoy your writing, Ken, and I’m happy when I get the chance to enjoy a new post, even if it’s not a full review.

    As a father of two daughters, I have to speak up and say that the Equestria Girls movies weren’t awful. I mean, they’re not classics by any means, but they’re reasonably entertaining, and they’ve got some catchy songs.

    The idea of nominating the worst movie I’ve ever seen is appealing, though I think I can do better than The Last Airbender. I came across a… let’s call it a “movie” called

    Legend of the Rollerblade Seven. It was a plotless mess that slogged on and on and then, just when we thought it was ending, started up a new story! (Turns out it was actually made as two movies, and then just slapped together.) In researching the movie online, I learned that the director ascribes to the theory of “zen filmmaking”, wherein one just gets some costumes on some people, points a camera at them, and waits for a movie to happen. I accidentally saw another of his movies, Armageddon Boulevard, later, and I can assure you that he stuck tight to his style. I think one of his movies might make for interesting review fodder. If nothing else, I’d be curious to read your thoughts on that unique movie making philosophy.

    Or, if you don’t want to do that, do Big Trouble in Little China, because it’s the finest film ever made by human hands.

  • Tork_110

    How about the “King of Kongs:Fistful of Quarters”? It’s a documentary of dorks playing video games, but what makes it interesting to people who aren’t me is that the documentary is really about a self-appointed organization that keeps track of high scores.

  • jeff b.

    Hey there Ken. How ’bout “the outlaw, Jose Wales”. One of my all time favorite movies. Would love to hear your thoughts on why it works so well (provided that’s your take on it). While I’m here, just wondering if you’ve ever read “The Disaster Artist” by Greg Sestero (friend and co-star of Tommy W.) and Tom Bissell. It’s all about the making of “the room”. Great read on what went on during the making of that movie, and great insight into the unbalanced person that is Tommy Wisseau. Highly recommended if you haven’t read it yet. Available on Kindle.

  • You know, every suggestion I think about is either too evil or too wussy. How about the original Godzilla?

  • Crash_Plate

    I’d like to hear your thoughts on ‘Mystery Men’. Some interesting stylistic choices were made there, to say the least.

  • Ericb

    The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

  • Rock Baker

    What an interesting offer, it’ll require a little thought. I’d hoped for a long time you’d tackle HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS, but that ended up in the collection of tapes you gave me, and the subsequent Video Cheese review I’d written ended up on Baker’s Log, so I guess that’s out…. Oh, since good movies are on the table, how about a piece on one of the Disney masterpieces like SLEEPING BEAUTY or DUMBO or ALICE IN WONDERLAND? I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on such an American institution, and it’d be something rather new to the site.

  • The Rev.

    He did a Nugget on the one with the rapping dog years ago.
    He also did the animated King Kong. He showed that last year at one of the gatherings in Texas. I don’t know if I was more insulted on the original’s behalf or angry at the animated movie’s own demerits. I definitely put the “rage” in “outrage,” either way.

  • The Rev.

    Man, I love that movie. Ken doesn’t really do the Italian horror movies or really like gore, so that’d be interesting.
    I am considering my options. I actually thought of one cruel enough to possibly pay him back for some of the horrors he’s thrown our way at T-Fest…but I’m worried about suggesting it so soon to my Chicago trip.

  • Flangepart

    Hummm…no spaghetti westerns, yeah. I’d like yer take on A FISTFULL OF DOLLARS, with a comparison to it’s inspiration, YOJIMBO. Lots to chew on there!

  • When I saw “Breathless” on video several years ago I immediately thought how well it would serve as a Jabootu victim/subject/autopsy. Heck, I was almost inspired to write my own epic-length Ken-style dissection of it. The inanities are so, so legion. Gere just about plays a Manic Pixie Dream Boy — “he’s wacky and unpredictable, quirky even! Val Kaprisky should totally throw away her studies and budding architecture career for hijinks with him!” Also, alongside “Butterfly,” “Zabriskie Point,” and “Swept Away,” it seems to fit squarely in your wheelhouse — it’s similarly chock-full of that deadly combination of risque sex stuff to rattle the prudes, and celebrity self-absorption.

  • mtz

    I’d like Ken to review “Sweet and Hot”, the worse three stooges short ever.
    Seriously, It’s Batman & Robin bad.

  • GalaxyJane

    “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park”. What you get when you put Hanna Barbera in charge of your vanity project.

  • Beckoning Chasm

    That one won’t happen–I should know, I actually paid for it!

  • SteveWD

    I wouldn’t mind a “serious” write up on the Kevin Connor/Doug McClure movies. Land/People that Time Forgot, At the Earths Core, and Warlords of Atlantis.

    If ever there were movies that captured the feel of some of the old comic book covers on this site those are it.

  • Rock Baker

    Failing that, you once hinted at a retrospective piece on the BLOB movies. I, for one, would be interested in reading that.

  • Darkward

    Also a longtime lurker but devoted reader here. I’ve been with you since the old site. I have always enjoyed your acid wit, appreciated the deep and broad knowledge of the entertainment industry you bring to your reviews, and especially love the fact that you critique movies from a politically conservative perspective. That you’re not working as a film critic for National Review or some similar publication is a travesty.

    That said (and meant), I agree with Scrivener’s request to finish up the Rocky series, after the yeoman’s work you did on the first four. I do NOT agree with those who want more SuperFriends, mostly because it’s so cheap and easy to destroy cartoons made for elementary school kids 40+ years ago, in an era when comic-book/fantasy programming did not have the audience, acceptance, or industry support it does today. By contrast, I’d like to see you take on comic-book-based films of a recent vintage, which have gigantic budgets and no excuse for not knowing better: Man of Steel, say, or Superman Returns.

    Best regards.

  • Marsden

    I couldn’t have said it better myself. My thoughts exactly.
    But one of those retrospectives that does a whole series, like all of the Transformers movies or maybe the 3 Mad Max movies plus the new one out in May?

  • Timothy Byrne

    There was a series called Outlaw a few years ago with Jimmy Smits. I only watched the pilot, but it was absolutely Jabootu-worthy. Embarrassing, incompetent, self-important, inadvertently funny…

    For movies I would suggest Mad Dog and Time, a misconceived art-house flick from the 90s with a famous negative review by Ebert.

    Have read you since around 1999, and reread my fave reviews occasionally…

  • Rainbow Sherbet

    Something involving Puppets, so Troll (the original), Ghoulies II (the first Ghoulies is too boring; the sequel involves Royal Dano and a carnival!), Munchie (either the Gremlins rip off or the kiddie “sequel”), or Hobgoblins.

  • mtz

    I’d like to read the titanic one, but I can’t seem to find it.

  • Ken_Begg

    Yeah, that wasn’t here. I did Mighty Kong, but no Titanic film.

  • Flangepart

    Man of Steel, say, or Superman Returns.
    I’ll second that notion.

  • Gamera977

    I can see your point on the Superfriends. I brought them up since it’s one of those nostalgia things from childhood that like a ‘good’ bad movie I have to chuckle at the stupid stuff that comes up but at the same time you feel a great deal of affection to them as well. Most of the modern ‘bad’ movies are just bad, not ‘so bad they’re good’ but just awful.

  • Ericb

    I think the funny thing about the Superfriends isn’t that they are poorly made but that the plots are so frigging insane, like a story dreamed up by a 5 year old on a sugar binge tripping on LSD.

  • The Rev.

    You didn’t? Huh. Who was it then? Maybe it was Nathan over at Cold Fusion?

  • The Rev.

    Hobgoblins could probably be a full review here. The first two are intriguing, though.

  • Beckoning Chasm

    I think both the Stomp Tokyo folks and The Unknown Movies did that one. It’s also over at Cracked under an article “Insane Kids Cartoons” or something. (Everything over at Cracked is Insane or Mind-Blowing.)

  • Marsden

    I mentioned Superfriends because “Hawkman is a gigantic ass” is one of the best sentences I ever read online.

  • LT_Harper

    Ken, I’d love for you to do any of the ED WOOD films, Plan 9, Bride of the Monster, etc. Also Beyond The Door. Liz did a great review on her site and I’d love to read your take. Also i’d love to read your take on STAR WARS A NEW HOPE or the whole original trilogy. And two Spielberg films, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS and 1941.

  • Ericb

    You also need to finish the Francis Coleman light aircraft trilogy

  • JJ Gauthier

    Man, Mad Dog Time is one of those movies that’s bad, but that always seems like it’s right on the verge of being really good. Jeff Goldblum is awesome in it, regardless of where the rest of the film falls, and there’s that wacky scene where Gabriel Byrne of all people has to do… well, a wacky scene.

  • The Rev.

    From the “Fairy Tale of Doom” review: “Yes, it’s too bad you can’t, oh, I don’t know, fly or something YOU GIGANTIC ASS.”

    I still laugh every time I read this line, or indeed am reminded of it. It’s one of the few lines he’s written that I always take the time to imagine him actually saying; it’s even funnier that way.

  • The Rev.

    I suppose I should finally make my request…

    What I WANT to do is make him watch that HGL kids’ movie that people paid to avoid watching at T-Fest 2012. (Shameless plug: Go read my write-up to find out more! And comment! Someone has to! Other than the one guy who did.)

    I’m also of a mind to suggest Attack of the Supermonsters since he fell asleep during it at the same T-Fest, shame on him.

    I could ask him to rewatch one of the ’90s Gamera trilogy for this, thereby ensuring that he doesn’t kick me out into the frigid streets of Chicago next week as payback.

    However, glancing at my DVD shelf, my eye was drawn to, of all things, Zombie 4: After Death. So, I am going to go with that. My justification is that I am curious to see what he thinks of it, compared to the execrable Zombie 3. (Ken may want to skip the next part so I don’t color his opinion.) When I did a weekend marathon of the quintilogy, I found it pretty fun and rather enjoyed myself. However, it could be that it just seemed much better following on the heels of the third one, which reeeeeeeeeeeeeally sucked.

    So, there we go. Zombie 4. Have at it, Ken!

  • Toby Clark

    Or baffling.

  • Jan

    1st time poster (I think) but long time follower. My vote goes for Caligula (pornless version).

  • Petoht

    Because I always throw this one out: Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors.

  • Reed

    I just want to see the reviews of the Halloween sequels! Is that idea already dead?

  • B

    “The Black Hole,” dude. You know you want to.

  • Ericb

    Heaven’s Gate …

    just kidding

  • rtpoeman

    Compare and contrast: “Gojira” (1954) with “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” (1956)

  • Beckoning Chasm

    I’m not sure what you could do with the others. The fall-off from the first is pretty steep, and there’s not the concurrent rise in goofiness that the Jaws films have. There’s II, which basically turns the franchise into Friday the 13th, III which has critical opinion split (I’d love to see Nigel Kneale’s original script though)…after that, pretty much “more of the same, only lacking even more luster.”

  • Gamera977

    You know since you did review ‘The Howling: Part II’ short reviews of the rest of the series would be kinda cool esp ‘Part III: The Marsupials’ which I very vaguely remember- I think it was so bad my brain blocked it out.

  • Merricat

    I think this was just a cunning plan to draw out all of us lurkers – What about “Time After Time,” if we’re going with good movies – Malcolm McDowell, David Warner, and the scene with plastic pants…

  • Marsden

    I’d buy that for a dollar!

  • Jay Small

    A few days ago I went back to read the multi-part Jaws series reviews, and I noticed the date of posting was in 2003.

    Two-Thousand and Three?! That was, like, more than a decade ago! I was thirteen back then, man. THIRTEEN!

    If nothing else it is a testament, sir, to the fact that your observations stand the test of time. I salute you!

    Anyway, I’ve recently acquired a Rutger Hauer double pack, and while Blind Fury might be a bit too good for Jabootu’s attention, I feel Omega Doom would be worthy of a look. Not to spoil anything for you, but Omega Doom is the name of Hauer’s character.

    How could that movie possibly fail?!

  • colagirl

    *delurks* Been following you since the old site, Ken. I’ve always wanted to see you do Cobra…. But I’ll look forward to anything new from you :)

  • Eric Hinkle

    To be fair I like the second EG movie myself, but I would still enjoy to see a good review/take on the whole MLP business by someone who can be ‘tough (or just sarcastic) but fair’ like Mister Begg.

    But if not then I’ll second ‘Big Trouble’, both for a review and for being one of the greatest films ever done.

  • Eric Hinkle

    Is that the one with Moe as a German ‘pie-chiatrist’ and the rather hefty nightclub singer? Though I have to disagree, as nothing can ever dethrone ‘Cuckoo on a Choo-Choo’ as the most ghastly bit of Stoogery committed to celluloid. Larry Fine as a young Marlon Brando type, Shemp as a drunk in love with a giant bird, moronic SFX and a totally incoherent plot combine to leave the viewer feeling like they should shove garden shears into their eyes to kill the pain.

  • mtz

    Yes, that’s the one. I must disagree about ”Cuckoo on a Choo-Choo,
    though. While certainly a weak effort, it was an all-new short when
    the stooges were starting make use of stock footage, and Shemp
    imagining a giant canary + Larry as faux Brando> a fat lady singing
    in a baby voice+ Moe berserkedly trying to spank her.

  • Eric Hinkle

    I won’t disagree that “Sweet & Hot” is indeed a BAD Stooges short, and that the lady they worked with wasn’t the best co-star they ever had (I think I prefer Tony the Wonder Horse if we’re talking the Joe years); but IMHO it still palls alongside the what-were-they-thinking feeling I get from ‘Cuckoo’; I think even Moe said it was their worst comedy as a team. Though Larry is supposed to have loved it so much he showed it to everyone who ever visited him,.

  • mtz

    To each his own. Maybe that can be a new feature for Ken;
    “Worst (or most bizarre) films of famous comedy teams”.

  • Eric Hinkle

    I’d read that series!

  • Marsden

    That isn’t the one with his cousin Thulsa, right?

  • Food

    Since Clint Eastwood is in the news right now, how about Firefox? A movie of his from ’82 that seems to have been forgotten by time.

  • DanielWinters

    Hi Ken, I emailed you ages ago basically begging you to do a Rocky IV review. Whether or not my email had any effect on your decision to actually do it, I’m not sure, but I was chuffed when you did. I love your B-movie reviews – just a few weeks ago I actually watched Yeti on Youtube so I could then read your article about it – but I have to say I do prefer when you review poor films made by major studios.

    I guess this is because, due to their lack of buget and available talent, it’s far more forgivable for B-movies to be poor (more so in their effects rather than the actual script). Whereas something like Jaws 3D and 4, Fire Down Below, Rocky IV etc. are much more interesting to me, because they’ve had a crap load of money thrown at them yet manage to get it wrong on almost every level.

    The point of my overly long preamble? I’d like to request your thoughts on some of the more well-known BAD movies I’m familiar with. The ones that come to mind are:

    – Karate Kid 3; The Next Karate Kid
    – Rocky V (which I believe is even more stupid than the 4th entry)
    – Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (purely because I’d be interested to get your take on the whole Star Wars saga in general, as well as those on this – possibly one of the most scrutinised movies in history. This would make a nice article to coincide with the December release of the new chapter)
    – Over the Top (hilariously bad Stallone movie that sees him play an arm wrestler)
    – Lake Placid
    – Anaconda
    – Independence Day (this is actually a fun film but the stupid bits are hilariously stupid)
    – Armageddon

    In terms of lesser known films, there are a few that were big when i was a kid in the 80s, and which I now realise were dreadful, such as No Holds Barred (starring Hulk Hogan), American Ninja, Alligator 2: the Spawning, or maybe the dreadful Return of the Incredible Hulk (featuring Thor).

    Oh, and the other day I stumbled across a film with the improbable title: Titanic 2 (seriously). I only watched a few clips via Youtube but it seemed like the sort of thing you’d have a field day with. Check it out if you can.

    I’ve written a lot, haven’t I? What can I say, I love reading your stuff.

  • DanielWinters

    Oops, just ready your full post and see we’re only allowed to choose one. Damn, that’s tough. In that case I’ll have to go with Independence Day (I would have chosen Rocky V but I now see that’s already a popular wish here).

    But I would love to see a Star Wars Special Edition from you if you ever had time. I’m not a huge fan of Star Wars but I’ve seen ’em all and have strong opinions on them. I’d love to get your view on Lucas (his sycophants, his arrogance, his constant tinkering with the original trilogy and how it’s enraged the hardcore fans).

  • Ericb

    Here’s another one I thought might be interesting. Have you ever hear of the film “The North Star.” It was made in 1943 and stared Ann Baxter and Dana Andrews and tells the story of how the bucolic serenity of a Soviet collective farm was destroyed by the Nazis. Of course the Soviets were our allies at the time (allies but not friends like the UK, there is a difference) but, still, it goes over the top and appears absurd in retrospect. The film was later re-edited to make it appear to place in the US.

  • Flint Paper

    I almost never post here, but I have always wanted to see Ken do an in-depth analysis of the entire Alien series like he did for Jaws. Then do the Predator movies, then do their crossovers!